My Timidity

I used to deliver a gay newspaper to a leather bar. The mincing men in leather excited no desire in me (I do know there are very different leather bars: this was a particular time and place; leatherman culture had yet to evolve.)

But I did see men I wished would take control of me. But I was too timid to trust someone to put me in bondage. All of my fantasies had been nonconsensual. I knew nothing of whatever BDSM subculture that might've existed back then.

Luckily I was happy with conventional sex. And as long as I was happy my D/s desires were often forgotten.

During the gaps I fantasized. My favorite was finding myself shipwrecked on a deserted island with a cruel and sadistic man. The stories I told myself at night were rich in emotional and physical brutality.

Years later, becoming active on the web I decided to try to discover if my desires were genuine and had a couple of experiences.

Trying to communicate with dominants on the web was frustrating.

Mostly because I couldn't enter into a role online either in email or chat. That was something most of the male masters demanded. I wanted a real dialogue. Before letting a stranger take control of me I felt we should make sure our desires were in harmony. And that he wasn't dangerous.

I was startled by how most of them simply demanded to meet me cold and have their unlimited way with me.

I did have good exchanges with a few men. But they never worked out. One man suddenly decided he really wanted a master.

Another demanded that I be his exclusive property even though we'd never met. And since he didn't live in Durham he'd only be able to see me occasionally. After a very long series of emails I told him his schemes seemed to unrealistic and that we shouldn't meet. Aside from being told I'd miss ecstasy I'd never appreciate he warned me to watch my back. It wasn't clear if he was threatening to kidnap or shoot met.

Of course there were a few that I simply wasn't compatible with: like the guy who only wanted to tie me up and tickle me.

And many men are faux dominants, just looking for a blowjob.

I had a small website outlining my desires and limits.

That site attracted a number of Dommes. Never were they near enough for me to meet. The women were mostly good humored and smart. Except the woman who invited me to move across the country and become a farm animal. With the exception of a Domme who gave me a scene because she felt I deserved one (she liked some things I'd posted on Yahoo).

And there was the guy I came within a hairbreadth of asking to become my Dom (and he would have). A very likeable man. Just as I was ready to write him I found myself in a 'vanilla' romantic relationship. It lasted almost four years and proved for more torturing than the most brutal whipping.

During that relationship my masochism asserted itself forcefully. So I started looking again. The few men I heard from always had very specific and limited desire. One man wanted me to drink a bowl of his piss and then screw me. Nothing else. I couldn't consider the closeted men whose profiles declared them 'straight.'

The good man I mentioned above was single again. I thought very seriously about writing him.

Alexandra and I were chatting online and discovered we had complementary desires. Finally I found myself able to realize some of the cravings so long felt.

Hence this weblog.

Do I regret my timidity? Sure, I'd be superhuman if I didn't. But regretting my past is against my personal philosophy. I am my history. I can't imagine wishing I weren't me.

I hope more people have an easier, speedier path. Sadly some will never feel free enough to realize their sexuality.