Sadistic Desires

Many years ago a young Sunday school teacher licked my boots. And I spanked him. The experience was a wonderful rush. But I was too young and inexperienced to understand that such acts weren’t incompatible with the romantic love I was so ardently hungry for. What a young fool!

And the gay leather scene has so much machismo to be a subculture I could empathize with. I may be butch but only in the gentlest way.

But the site of a youth in a cage or collar has been as likely to make me wish he were mine as I were him. Rather, the balance has tended to shift back and forth over the years based on I have no idea what.

Some old personal ads did get requests for domination even when none was offered. But the prospect of ordering some young jock to shave his crotch hair didn’t entice me. And all those boring men who think sodomy in itself is power exchange.

A friend’s innocent remarks about feeling submissive - not meaning BDSM - drove me crazy. Not that I shared with him my images of him naked, on his knees and anxious to please me. That was a couple of years ago when Alexandra and I were together.

The other day I ran across a photograph of a chained youth. Six months ago my first thought was of those chains being on me. Now I want to whip him ‘til he drops to his knees. And then beg me to do it again.

I wonder what it would be like to have a guy thank me for making him cry. And to hug him as I pull him back from the dark place his own desire led me to take him. And a wicked part of me wants to hurt him, screw him only to leave him languishing in neglect and silence.

My sadism wants to exploit my masochism’s experience. My dominance to use my submissive side’s knowledge of the need to please and the awful craving to be crushed.

This is driving me bonkers.

How seriously should I take this? By what criteria would I choose?

I know that if —— were to write and say “I think I should drop by and beat you up” I’d be all for it. But that isn’t going to happen. So maybe I have to beat someone else up.

And I am looking using polyfetishist as a handle on alt and collarme.

Stay tuned for further adventures in kinky indecision.