Self-Destructive Self-Doubt

This morning reading a post by jssub when a couple of cylinders shifted and a lock fell open (in my mind I don’t have one of those timed self-bondage locks).

i must now offer myself and my submission to Her in a participatory way. i must beg to wear the chains, i must beg to crawl behind Her, i must beg to be hogtied.

… Mistress may refuse me the privelege of offering my submission which of course would be incredibly humiliating. Not only am i abasing myself so completely but i might even be refused!

Being unable to beg or ask for what I want in BDSM is a problem I’ve mentioned often.

Much of my hesitancy has been rooted in fear of being bothersome. Maybe a bit of worry about topping from the bottom: of course not doing what you are asked and invited to do sort of is anyway. Not that it is rare for submissive persons and deeply romantic lovers to deny their partners by denying themselves.

There was also a fear of rejection. Suppose Alexandra said no. My worry was that would leave me unable to ask again. I was afraid of myself.

Alexandra and I came together right after the end of my five years of five years with a bipolar drug addict. Those were years of sexual frustration and rejection.

I didn’t trust myself to be able to accept “No, not now” didn’t mean “Never.” My brain understood but my heart was still crippled.

On a buried intuitive level I knew this but not clearly. Nor was I able to face it.

Thankfully Alexandra knew my recovery would take time. Happily Richard is becoming whole again.