The Path to Submissiveness
» My Inner Life
In my prior note I realized that I’d focused not uncommonly on sadomasochism and not the emotional surrender. (Not that the strands are so neatly separated.)
For a very long time I’ve felt sure that it was my parents archetypes as it were to a little boy and the qualities of their marriage that created my sexualities. True of everybody? Probably, maybe; who am I to say.
Momma never said Daddy was the boss. That she obeyed his demands may have mostly been to preserve the peace. And it was how women behaved back then. It would be some years before she thought about leaving him, if only for my sake. (An idea he quickly ended by pointing a rifle at her.)
Often I’ve felt that it was bringing their relationship within myself as a pattern for living with a spouse or lover within myself. Only in the D/s sense. Well, I was in love with a fairly abusive if weak young man. But generally no.
My guess has been that I absorbed some sexual feelings from their power exchange.
As I said in the other entry it was in elementary school that I found myself wanting someone else to control me and order me about. I clearly remember those cravings being directed at a couple of friends. Thankfully I didn’t try to express them.
What did I want them to force me to do? No recollection. Maybe there were no specific acts. Just make me do stuff.
More recently I’ve wondered if my own doing whatever my father instructed is the source. To do otherwise would’ve earned me only a vicious spasm of ill temper.
His harsh speech certainly lives with me to this day. If a friend is angry not at me I get flustered and upset.
In D/s … whew …
The few times Alexandra has been really verbally rough with me left me wanting to crawl under the floor. An early night I’ll never forget was as horrifying as it was ecstatic. Her anger washed across my nerve endings. I’ve wanted those moments to reoccur as badly as I wanted them to end.
So my submissiveness perhaps began as a way of feeling safe.
And it is to this day. When my hunger to surrender is met, when my cooperation seems as involuntary as the beating of my heart I feel very serene.
It is getting everything by giving everything.
(To repeat: that my erotic needs had their genesis in the miseries of childhood is no indictment of them. I’m lucky in having become able to realize them and perhaps also understand their origins.)
Comments
In my case, I think it is the other way round. I am submissive as my father was submissive with my mother, who has always been a passionate, loving, dominant woman in her relationship with him. Interstingly, she has never been so strong or demanding with me as a child. But maybe the need to somehow “replace” my father as the submissive part of their couple made me the submissive man that I am now. Georg
Posted by: Georg | August 14, 2006 1:59 AM
Your situation is probably more normative. My own relationship with gender is atypical.
I assume something similar from early childhood establishes our BDSM needs.
Posted by: Richard | August 14, 2006 2:50 PM
I am a very submissive man and a submissive husband to a very dominant woman. My submissiveness has been formed based on my parent’s relationship. My father was very submissive / henpecked husband to my mother. I have grown seeing him obey her. He was like her servant. That had shaped my submissiveness…
Posted by: wife's_slave | March 18, 2007 11:08 PM