Variations on a Dominant Theme
» My Inner Life
I’m not expressing any dissatisfaction with my beloved Alexandra.
But I do regret that I postponed for so long letting somehow take control over me (not counting the cuties for whom I was such a pushover). Have you ever wished you could watch versions of yourself in parallel dimensions and see the many ways that things might have been different. Not better necessarily alternate paths.
My mind focused on this when I read a post by Lady Julia in which she asked:
What qualities in a woman would make you eager to submit to her?
My answer?
It depends.
Alexandra and I play in a fairly traditional BDSM context that doesn’t really dovetail with the LFA and FLR bloggers. (The other mismatch is that for a pansexual gender can be – not irrelevant – but not the key consideration.)
If it were just someone to scene with then all I’d need is for the dominant to be competent in the ways of kink, observant, concerned to play safe. Honestly, we wouldn’t even have to like each other. Just have reciprocal sadomasochistic fetishes.
If we were going to play together frequently then the value of humor and intelligence would increase. Some pleasure in one another’s company would be nice. Still not necessary.
This is something I wished my nervousness hadn’t prevented in the past: that I’d scened more.
Why?
It is possible to approach S&M with more detachment when there isn’t romantic passion. There are safe extremes – like duration – that you balk at for fear of hurting the one you love. This includes me getting Alexandra to do something to me that she’d regret.
And in playing with many different people I’d have an experiences that grew out of their individual tastes and styles.
But though I was a sexually uninhibited lad the idea of letting someone bind me was just too scary.
When you think of friendship in a BDSM play relationship the possibilities ramify out beyond any reasonable point of speculation.
Once you add romance things get blurry. There are so damned many gradations between warm friendship and romantic feelings.
What do I want in a dominant lover? (Ignoring the one I have for this I hope forgivable moment.)
Intelligence (not to be confused with being an intellectual – a common error), empathy, good-humoredness, tenderness, passion and sadism.
I am a masochist and a BDSM love affair without physical pain would be too frustrating. And the dominant must really enjoy watching me flinch and whimper. The idea of being whipped as a favor is disgusting.
I’d need the qualities that most any half-sensible, romantic man wants in a lover combined with a mutually satisfying sense of cruelty.
Oops – I’ve left out anything about submission haven’t I?
Given the right person my submission will simply manifest itself. It will be a way that I make her (or him) happy. You always want to make the one you love happy – right?
Darn, thought I’d come up with more variations.
