Where'd Your Kinks Come From?

I have, I believe, tried to answer this question before.

I believe I deleted it.

The short version is I don’t think I can go back in my life and say “this is why I am like this.”

When I was a girl, I remember tying knots in necklaces and playing captured princess. I remember my delight in learning a square knot (still the only one I’m good at).

I have always been “bossy” (which is what they call girls who know their own mind). I have always loved the wicked queens of animated films, the vamps, the elegant bad girls in tight stretch outfits.

I will never be one. I am an apple-cheeked Midwestern girl, now carrying about 100 extra pounds on her frame. My hair is brown; I wear glasses; I am bookish. I’m the sort of woman who used not to get stopped by airport security. I suppose if you have a weakness for librarians with near-genius IQ’s (some men do), I could be a commodity. But not a vamp.

I had a close friend in college whose senusality and style I still admire. (She’s got brains, too—went from being a physics major to a dance major, which is nearly impossible to pull off.) She enjoyed tying men up, and tickling them afterwards was a group female activity. The men tolerated it, as it meant at least that women were paying attention to them. (Engineering school has a somewhat lopsided sex ratio. As a result, the women can get away with murder, since we are a limited commodity.)

It might never have occurred to me to express my pushy side this way if I hadn’t met her, and some other kinky friends in college, though I think I’d have gotten to it eventually. It might have taken years.

It’s possible I am still dreaming of being dangerous, which I assuredly am if I have a scalpel in one hand and a willing subject under the other.

R.,

I suppose if you have a weakness for librarians with near-genius IQ’s

I’m not just talking when I say that I find intelligence in a woman very erotic. I always notice when a woman’s eyes have it. (Though librarians aren’t the best example for me: the ones back in Savannah when I was a boy were none too bright. Never could convince them that The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test wasn’t the author of Look Homeward Angel.) With guys it was always the flaky, very zany ones I chose.

I never ran across any kinky folks when I was younger causing me to do very little when I was younger. And I semed to mostly attract socially agressive but sexually passive or submissive people.

Certain portions of my earliest years were so starkly black and white, like my father knocking my mother’s teeth out when I was four I’ve always had a moderately clear idea of where much of my sexuality comes from.

Wow. Richard, this entry was very interesting for me to read. I have debated if I should email you personally or post my reply here. I have chosen the latter.

My name is Tabitha Sinn. I will call myself a crossdresser for now, rather than a pre-op TS, as although that is my goal, I do not have near enough money for that right now, and have also ceased hormone therapy.

At any rate, I am not ALWAYS in my female persona. As my male self, I am a bottom, however, Tabitha has always played top. I was never force feminised, as it was a natural part of my identity.

TS ‘Domina’s’ are rare. However my ‘Mother’, who taught me a lot of what I know was a TS top to a male slave.

I agree with you about what you said (judging from what you wrote) that you are so against ‘sissification’ as you called it. I, of course do not know what your ideas of ‘sissification’ are. Although you mentioned that to you, ‘sissification’ emplies that women are inferior to men. Although I can understand what you are saying, I want to assure you that I, myself, personally believe in female superiority, which is why Tabitha has always played top! Playing top as Tabitha (although I am much more naturally drawn to being a bottom) allows me to experience my own belief in female supremacy!

I think there are many different methods and routes one could employ in ‘sissification’, which may or may not confirm or deny your belief that it insinuates ‘female inferiority’

I personally think that most people who have either undergone forced feminization or who are naturally feminine have a great deal of respect afterwards for women in general. Men who learn first hand what it is like for a woman being ‘ultra-feminine’ and what women have to go through to maintain their beauty and graces, as well as living up to the images that the world holds up for them to follow, end up having a great deal of respect for women in general. And what they have to go through and put up with!

However, I respect your opionions. I know that we are not all the same people, nor do we have the same experiences which lead us to our conclusions.

But I would challenge you, if you ever have the chance, to partake somewhat of that role, and learn both some of the joys and some of the tortures of what it means to be feminine. I bet, given enough practice, your mind will change about the concept you have of ‘sissification’ implying female inferiority!

It was really nice to read your journal Richard. Thanks for sharing!

Tabitha Sinn

Elsewhere I’ve written extensively about femme gay males and crossdressers. (The two links explain much I don’t have time to write about here.)

I’m afraid I don’t have any use for female supremacy either. I don’t think either gender is inherently better in any way than the other.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t adore Alexandra, who is transgendered herself.

Some women do, true, put lots of effort into looking nice. So do some many, especially gay men. Judging by the average female on the street and in shopping centers I’d say most do not.

And while I’ve admired a pair of pretty legs in a miniskirt in winter, I’ve felt that a smart woman would be more focused on keeping warm than looking sexy.

There are plenty of men who find feminization humiliating. It is a humiliation they want and need. I respect their needs. Many crossdressers who aren’t into BDSM per se enjoy being at least slightly ‘abused’ and treated like a ‘bitch.’ To me that has often seemed to imply that part of their view of gender qualities derives from heterosexual male stereotypes of women.

But within my own emotional frame of reference it still seems sexist and is nothing I’d want any part of.

I’m not a Kink Cop out to see my sexuality reflected in others.