Woman Worship : The Revelation
» My Inner Life
(While I’ve written about this before I think this is a better telling.)
For about seven years I believed that I was attracted to my own sex only. Then came a certain evening of weed and wine with a close female friend. I don’t recall the transition only the surprise of my first orgasm with a girl. Not only was I functional but it was actually fun.
I lived with a girl for about five years. When she walked out on me I was a devastated man. And I felt very guilty: that I’d been sexually neglectful. As some sort of emotional compensation my fantasies focused on cunnilingus almost exclusively: focusing on her pleasure.
Someone dumped a ten year run of Playboy on at my shop. Zoning laws - we were across the street from a public school - made it impossible for us to sell them. They wound up at home with all the other stuff we weren’t able to put out in the store. When in the mood for heterosexual fantasies it is unsurprising that I’d avail myself of them.
One of the models by whatever combinations of bodily geometry and facial expression captured my fancy. Especially a photo of her standing proudly - and only - in silver slippers.
I found that my imagination led me from between her thighs to her feet, which I saw myself licking. Finally the flash: I wanted to be under the erotic control of a female.
Nanshakh’s illustration always touches me deeply.
I’d long known of my gay sadomasochistic desires. But - probably because of the mother who was my oasis in the Hell of childhood and adolescence - had never imagined the like with a woman.
Not consciously anyway. When living in San Francisco I remember seeing an ad for a dungeon with hot and cold running dominatrices and a little tingle with through me. But I spent my time there in happy vanilla love affairs. And a drawing of a woman with a whip on the back of an old underground comic book always caught my eye when I saw it.
My sexuality has been a series of light bulb moments where the flash reveals hitherto buried possibilities.
Not that I really thought of this as woman worship. I had the same shallow fantasies as any other masochist (and feel no guilt about this). My imaginary F/m life was straight out of the Other World Kingdom.
I was intelligent enough to see past all that. But it wasn’t until Alexandra that that the poetry of loving power exchange and S&:M made the phrase woman worship so sweetly apt.
