Masochism: An Oxymoric Experience

I have no idea how rare masochism is but there are enough of us out there.

Has anyone ever been able to sum up the binary of wanting and hating pain?

Alexandra has told me that sometimes I just absorb the pain. Sadly when I’m that far gone I retain only the dimmest memories.

Really my response to pain is variable. The times when I wished it would stop are clearly etched in my mind.

Many people seem to misunderstand masochism. I need the agony and misery. But that doesn’t mean that I enjoy it in the same way I enjoy good music, prose or a fine meal.

It is the ultimate oxymoronic experience: wanting it, hating it - at the same time.

I know the erotic need for a sadist to use me reaches back to my childhood. My young mind saw power relationships in his family and helplessly eroticized the roles. Clearly that is also the root of my need to submit.

Giving your body to someone with a whip or cane is certainly submission. But for the masochist there’s a distinctive ecstasy. It may occur during the session or only in recollection.

I suspect I’ve only begun to tap into my masochism. I’m just at the surface. Luckily I’m with someone who will enjoy taking me more deeply into it.

I wish I could sum up the mix of euphoria and fear, need and dismay, hunger and anguish.

Perhaps you, stranger or friend can share with me should you also have the need for S&M in your life whichever side of the equation you are on.