On Being Kicked

Being bound and whipped is my deepest primal desire. A childhood whipping catalyzed what would eventually emerge in me as masochism.

When my mind connected to Alexandra’s feelings about her feet and what she puts on them it became feverish with images of being kicked.

So I transferred my need to be whipped to kicking. And wrote several sketches of her kicking me. Sometimes she was cautious but cruel.

In another my perineum with its peculiarly sensitive nerves became her focus. I remember that night clearly. I’d fled to a motel to escape my then lover who was addicted to crack. When I say this scenario was my comfort I’m not trying to crack a joke.

I converted my fantasy of being chased by with a whip to being kicked around the room. Actually the kicking version was milder. In the whipping fantasy I was bound so tightly all I could do was roll away.

Naturally I took my strongest whipping fantasy into a brutal kick-whipping scenario. A boot replaced the lash. A sketch I took to an extremity with which I couldn’t cope. But writing something like that is fun. And an attempt to explore it doesn’t have to match the words.

To date we’ve never tried to live the sketches. Some are too extreme. Though they could be softened.

I’ll never forget the night she gently nudged my testicles with her shoes. It didn’t hurt. But given the testicles’ peculiar sensitivities her taps left me feeling ever more servile.

Months ago when we were first talking about S&M I compared the risks to those of soccer players. Professional athletes learn how to evade and avoid damage as best they can.

Likewise should anyone involved in S&M.

I have to confess that with kicking I want to go into nonconsensual space and take the risks knowing I’ll hurt for a few days. Honestly living through it might modify my feelings.

But one can be kicked softly, even if the masochist wants to be beaten up. And not every boot has a sharp point.

I’ve said it many times but I know I can trust her to play as safely as possible and that if I get hurt it will be because I urged her to.