Dialogue

(Just as I started this I found myself having to cope with this site’s web hosting. The functional distractions may leave this less than I’d wish it to be.)

I want to write about Alexandra’s entry, Richard’s Reaction.

Richard’s response towards me is to encourage me to search for what I need.

It is damn hard to say much about that without sounding like a self-serving twat. Let me try to boil this down to simple sanity. Anyone who seeks to thwart a lover’s needs is insuring only the nastiest possible end to a love affair. Alexandra’s desire to explore is - I think - understandable and not at all unhealthy. I myself feel the pent up longings caused by distance. At her age I’m sure they are stronger, worse.

In the very beginning I don’t remember what caused it, but pet asked me “Am I just a slave to you?”. … I think I was using my status (as a dominant) to be lazy with him and our relationship at times.

I don’t recall that clearly. I’ve wondered it more than once. We had so much to learn. Probably still do. I’ve felt her hunger with both dismay and joy. You learn the lessons of the heart by living through them.

But.

She faults herself wrongly. Alexandra sometimes fears what she feels she needs. She may have felt there have been times she’s been inattentive to my needs. This has never been true. Again, I don’t want to sound like Mr. Noble Guy. But the warmth of her affection is much of why I love her. Trust me, I’ve had really selfish lovers and know just how awful they can be.

My next best hopes for pet were that he would explore his dominant side with a third party.

If you are a masochist and live near me please write.

More seriously.

Sure, I could enjoy chaining a guy up and doing to him all the things that I like having done to me. Letting that part of myself out - done only once, my first BDSM experience - kind of confuses me.

I liked the idea of bringing in a 3rd party and us being a dominant couple.

Alexandra mentioned this long ago. She may not remember but I wasn’t wholly averse to the idea. Not that I was hugely excited. Most

ly I think I liked the idea of softening him up a bit and then turning him over to her.

In either context the kind of guy I might want to top in a kinky way is very rare.

So I must accept that now he wants his freedom, too.

I’m not sure I can cope with any of this at all. But without my being a free agent as well it would be unequivocally unacceptable. Not that it was a freedom I was seeking.

In a way I feel like I’ve asked for too much and lost him.

I keep having this conversation with myself:

“C’mon, be reasonable. Give me a rational objection.”

“No. No No.”

Not a beneficial dialogue.

You may fancy yourself a person of reason and empathy but all this visceral nonsense puts you in your place. If our emotions could be ruled all of human history would be different.

At least we can talk about all this without accusations or anger. Whatever becomes of our romance our friendship is secure.