Feeling Nonsexual

Over the years I’ve posted about my S&:M and D/s fantasies. The dark ones: being buried in a pit and pissed on repeatedly for a very long time. I’ve written up a few as illustrations of my inner kink life. How they’ve evolved. And diminished: a change that I view with a mix of regrets and suspicions that it is a sign of good mental health.

And recently of how they’ve come to elude me, leaving me sleepless too many nights.

Fear of losing perspective had long kept me from putting Alexandra in my harshest fantasies. After her last visit I felt I could safely suspend that rule. I’d started circumscribing them, pulling back from the edge, seeking to see which, if any, might actually be doable.

Last night I realized that I’m wholly unable to fantasize about her. The moment she comes to mind everything stops. My hormones may be flowing but everything is blank. It is like having a sexual orientation of zero.

This stems from the prospect of seeing other people. I don’t have a template.

This is surprising and interesting. It is as if I need to forge a new sexual identity to have even imaginary sex. And - oh, how it hurts to admit this - it is a sign of my age. I’m past the stage where amoral libidinous energy seeks self-expression no matter what.

Since I’m not asexual this won’t continue. I can be patient. Not that I don’t want my brain to get on the ball and be damned quick about it.