Hypothetical Partners

I’ve been trying to do some clear thinking about the BDSM component of my sexuality. I don’t say objective because that implies simplicity that I don’t see as being possible. Self-clarification requires as much as anything that I manage to empathize with myself: that is intuition, not amenable to double blinded, controlled observation.

The words that follow maybe more “probes” than statements of fact. You write and make public your thoughts. Later you read yourself and try to gauge how true they are to the contours of your experience.

Let us imagine an alternative reality where my relationship with Alexandra doesn’t exist but - impossibly - I’m exactly as I am now.

I can easily imagine doing S&M with a person that I don’t love. Or even feel affection for. The main requirement is respect: of their ability, of whatever limits I’ve stipulated for the specific experience.

The sadist inflicts pain - physical, emotional - that I can process without an inappropriate level of trauma.

That is it.

This part of my alternative universe is harder to visualize. My emotional surrender has evolved wholly in the context of my romance with Alexandra.

D/s compatibility has more nuances than pure S&M. It would require far more conversation before beginning. I can imagine accepting control and expressing honest submission in diverse ways. Maybe it is mostly a matter of avoiding obvious mismatches: anyone who wants me to wear female lingerie would be talking to the wrong man.

Aside from issues like that I don’t know that much more would be needed than the dominant’s pleasure in the role and mindfulness of the particularities of what I can offer.

Again, I could imagine doing this without affection. But mutual respect - if only in negotiating - would be even more needful.

Naturally the majority of tops are both sadistic and dominant. That makes for the most fun.