Reservations

I swore to myself that I wouldn’t write excessively about this - but …

Alexandra likes the idea of my buried dominant, sadistic side emerging if I play with others. That makes good sense. My behavior wouldn’t be a parallel to what I share with her.

OK, I do have a sadistic streak but:

• It is weaker than my masochism.
• Not a single BDSM male bottom that contacted me when I was looking some years ago ever left me wanting to meet him.
• In thinking about seeing other people I haven’t confined my thoughts to kink and fetish. But I’m not much given to shallow relationships anymore but becoming involved with someone companionable seems a questionable idea.
• Were I to look for someone who isn’t a kinky top it would have to be a guy. a) I have huge conflicts about being sadistic with a female. Seeing your father abuse your mother does that to you. b) I don’t want too passionate an emotional and erotic attachment to a woman: Alexandra fulfills all of that for me.

My retifism.

• Outside fantasies of little importance I do see my adoration of footwear as strictly a form of adoring Alexandra.
• Realistically unless it was someone who has been reading this site and is sympathetic you can only offer a top so many caveats without seeming exasperating.
• And abstract feelings aside I’m apt to crave it if I’m feeling submissive.

She is interested in knowing any dominant that I might become involved with.

• Fragile little Richard doesn’t want to know anything about men she might play with.
• And the idea of Alexandra and the hypothetical top I might meet communicating makes my brain feel like it will fall out of my skull. I want it off in a hidden compartment.
• Weirdly enough - typical of the nonsensical contradictions flowing through me - I can actually imagine coping with that were she able to live here and it one of

Anyway, these notes carry forward the self-discovery and self-exploration.