BDSM Desires : Keeping in Phase with Your Partner
» Prior Relationship
An intermittently long-distance relationship can be tough for anybody.
The two months I’ve been apart from my beloved leaves me sometimes regarding myself with a bit of paranoia.
To be honest some of the fear began before that. New couples not uncommonly have a bit of work to do before they slip securely into one another’s grooves.
Possibly the biggest stress I put on Alexandra was wanting D/s play more often than she. (Not uncommon from my reading of F/m weblogs.) I feel regret but not guilt (guilt is an evil emotion best reserved for when you do something truly wrong).
I have to fault myself for waiting so long to explore this aspect of my sexuality. For a tall, self-assured guy I was pretty timid. I wasn’t willing to trust someone tying me up. Though aside from Larry Townsend’s pioneering books I’m not sure what there was to help someone understand BDSM.
Given the chance to let this part of my sexuality express itself the rush was tremendous. The afterglow continued into the next day often finding me awaking with sublime joy in simply being alive.
(I’m not going to say anything about Alexandra’s preferences: that is for her to write about if and when she may feel like it.)
The fear that I want to write about: that I could become one of those men who can only experience erotic satisfaction within D/s and S&M.
Now if I were in love with Supreme Goddess Domina Total Control that might be OK. Or I might run away.
It best suits my own image of myself to retain as much of the full spectrum of my sexualities. That I’m normally capable of more than BDSM is part of what bonded us.
My fantasy life switched heavily to BDSM during the bad days with my prior lover. During my beloved’s absence my imagination is recalcitrantly in the same key.
The good thing about being so sexually variable is it makes so many things possible. The down side is should my sexuality fix on one particular act that blocks out all the rest.
That slipperiness is what puts some BDSM people off switches. And makes straight women and gay guys distrust bisexual males. The assumption that if you can enjoy more than one flavor you’ll want them all.
During the time when I identified as bisexual I ran into enough married men seeking for a guy with which to cheat to almost credit the assumption. Didn’t leave me feeling a whit less resentful when the assumption was directed at me.
Back to topic.
I need to keep my masochistic side in check so we can have the relationship we are aiming for.
Here’s hoping for my emotional integration, sexual … I started to type sexual sanity. I think I’d rather call it “appropriate desires.” Oh, Hell, that sounds pretty awful as well. You get the idea.
Not that I feel terrific fear. Sometimes it just feels good to sum up your worries. Helps keeps everything in proportion.
Any of you faced this state: on either side of the equation?
Comments
I wrote a post on my blog trying to address my personal issue with SM. I’m not certain I ever really looked at that aspect before, but I think you’re right. Many F/m relationships do have this disproportionate thing going on.
However, I’m wondering if you’re worried that you’ll only find pleasure in SM (or D/s) or that your relationship Alexandra will be overwhelmed by your desire for SM. The first I don’t think will ever be an issue because you seem like the sort of accomodating person to always find a bit of satisfaction (no matter how small) in whatever gets your partner hot.
Just my two cents.
Posted by: GDS | November 5, 2005 3:04 PM
I can’t imagine ever not treating Alexandra tenderly and lovingly in a wholly conventional way. That we do share such a broad range of desires is one of the great blessings of being in love with her.
I do enjoy making my partner happy. As best as I’ve been able I adapt to them; it is almost involuntary.
With Alexandra though I’ve been far from perfect. My D/s desires have sometimes overcome me so strongly that I get withdrawn and little depressed. That hardly gives her the kind of reinforcement that will make her enjoy being dominant.
Our three-four months separations are partly the problem. This would’ve probably all sorted itself out if we’d actually been able to spend the past year together all the time.
We’re good about talking with each other and each have a decent amount of empathy. For now I’ll have faith that it won’t be a problem next time she comes back.
Thanks.
Posted by: Richard | November 5, 2005 4:20 PM
“The fear that I want to write about: that I could become one of those men who can only experience erotic satisfaction within D/s and S&M.”
Yes, this is the one that strikes me deep in the nights after sessions with my Mistress. Am i cut out for this? Is this relentless self-abnegation, this constant reduction of myself to Her cipher, destroying my ability to ever experience love and affection and sex in a more conventional sense? Do i even want that? And, no, i don’t yet have the answer.
Posted by: serf | November 11, 2005 11:11 PM
There are many paths and forms of D/s.
Some people are satisfied by living it 24/7 , as they say, a lifestyle.
Others like my beloved and myself want it only as part of a larger mix.
If you find a sane person to explore BDSM with you can always try a weekend. If that goes well, try a week.
You aren’t a racecar that has to go from 0 to 100 in five seconds.
Just be honest about your doubts with any woman you speak to. If she finds them unacceptable then she isn’t someone you should trust yourself with.
Best of luck.
Posted by: Richard | November 12, 2005 7:25 AM
There’s a time to grovel and a time to, well, be a man and take good care of one’s partner or family. Few women would truly enjoy a long term relation with a constant ‘worm’. After all, they didn’t meet you while you were naked and abjectly licking their boots. Instead, odds are you met your partner in a more conventional setting.
I think if you truly love your partner, surely there’s a bond going on and it’s not because you crave S/M that all of a sudden you’ll stop buying her flowers or chocolates for her birthday.
On the other hand, I have many time had a fear that my craving for s/m would make me unable to enjoy ‘vanilla’ sex. That actually turned out to be true, especially when I first got sexually active. But now, being happily married, it’s no longer so much of a problem. I guess you could say my wife taught me to enjoy vanilla sex and I taught her to enjoy s/m. :-)
Posted by: shoelicker | November 12, 2005 10:17 AM
I enjoyed casual sex when young and more romantic involvements on and off during the following years. My BDSM desires were the only thing I’d - a few light experiences aside - that I’d never tapped into.
Probably the root cause of my wanting S&M more than she. With good will and luck it will all sort out.
Congratulations on finding the right partner.
Posted by: Richard | November 12, 2005 3:54 PM