BDSM Glitches

Day before yesterday Alexandra had me bent over the couch and was whipping me. Her manner was cruel: fearful and beautiful.

She said that she could control me without bondage. True. But pointing out that I wasn’t bound knocked me out of the slave trance. Oddly when that happened the whip stopped hurting. I’d have expected it to hurt more.

Seeing that I’d become unresponsive it wasn’t long before she just stopped the scene.

A pity, we were both enjoying ourselves.

Perhaps if she’s cursed and slapped me, hitting me more in my mind than on my body she could’ve taken me back down. (Or had yanked my leashed testicles until I begged?). I don’t know.

We’ve taken it as an experience to learn from.

A new pair of boots arrived yesterday. I asked to lick them.

When I was down on the floor she struck me with a cane but I had to ask her to stop.

I hadn’t communicated my need clearly. Because of the awful stress of yesterday all I wanted to worship her boots. I wasn’t able to summon my masochism or really enter the slave state.

We’d planned to play yesterday. My hope was that she’d assume the role of brutal and unforgiving Domina. But . . .

My ex-lover came by and took us on a few errands. He left for a bit and came back. I found him smoking crack and I don’t know what else. Later he spent a few hours scraping powder he’d dropped from the bathroom floor.

It was sad and distracting.

The emotional pain took away my capacity for surrender. It broke my heart to see him once again the real slave of drugs.

I found myself wanting brutal pain that might drive his downfall from my mind. Badly I felt that her to become the Evil Goddess who treats me as contemptible and worthless. But my mind was blocked. I wouldn’t have been able to handle it.

Thankfully we were still able to be tender and loving.

But I went to bed feeling a need that couldn’t’ be satisfied.

If you are fantasizing of D/s and S&M but yet to live it you’ll find when you do that the ordinary parts of life can interfere unkindly with the ability to enter the necessary emotional sate to enter your role.