Bottom?
» Prior Relationship
Labels - words - are necessary or we can’t have conversations. When it comes to sexuality we tend to be very idiosyncratic in our usage of terms. This can cause us to mislead others and ourselves.
Given my volubility my solution has been to attempt to explain what I mean. But the ground (context) often slips beneath me as I grow or my mood shifts. If Alexandra deserves a tribute it is for her ability to cope with this and appreciate it.
What this means is that many doms - both new and experienced alike - operate under the assumption that “bondage”, “discipline” or “sado-masochism” are really all just forms of “domination/submission”. While this may be how it feels in their own universe, this is rather narrow and just isn’t accurate for everyone.
There are other, totally equal interactions which may apply - “top/bottom” and “sadist/masochist” are the two other most common ones. Like D/S, these are generally considered to be “power exchanges”. I prefer to call them “relationship contexts” since they are most commonly used to describe people in relation to one another, as in, “we are a dominant/submissive (or top/bottom or sadist/masochist) to each other”.
While clumping all power exchanges under a general D/S heading may be convenient, it is potentially misleading, as each one is a bit different in motivation and focus - D/S is about control, T/B is more sensation oriented, and S/M exchanges are more pain oriented. These are pretty important distinctions to know in terms of what you expect from a scene and what you expect from your bottom when it comes to playing.
When we were first talking about fetish and kink Alexandra often spoke of top and bottom. I flinched. One reason was childish: in my same sex relationships I was normally a top. That gave me great difficulty in identifying with the word “bottom.” Those preconceptions, you know?
Also I was fighting a battle - one that I could never in any meaningful sense win - within myself as to whether I was mostly a masochist or a slave. (NB to BDSM purists out there. I know that I don’t meet the classical qualifications for slave. I prefer it to submissive man because I’m happiest in D/s when my volition vanishes.)
My nutty drive for a sort of erotic ethical purity made me feel I had to decide. And I very much wanted to feel that I was “really” a slave. Or would be hers anyway.
But there’s no getting around that I’m a sensation play whore. I want testicle weights, whippings, nipple clamps - the whole masochistic catalog. Including emotional sensation play: humiliation. Being spat upon, mocked, tossed in a closet, forced to lick - well …
Some of it she doesn’t necessarily want to do. But there’s probably plenty we would’ve tried were I able to bring myself to ask (or beg). The desire to be slavish shut my tongue. It wasn’t as if my expressing a desire meant she had to go along with it. And anything that blocks communication is bad. Kink or no kink. Printing up cards isn’t necessarily going to replace spoken words.
And she is my lover. While being mindful of her happiness is a sort of parallel to D/s you can only press that so far. Most of our time we’ll be a couple sharing a meal or a movie. Maybe there’s be times when we reflect our D/s roles in a gentle way. But honestly often what I’m going to do is be glad I could make her laugh, enjoy watching her butt shift in tight jeans, just be a guy who knows he’s lucky to have found someone to share life with.
Maybe if I think of myself as a bottom I’ll feel less conflicted in asking for my desires. It isn’t as if she doesn’t enjoy hearing me whimper or that I’ve let everything go as I sink into the depths of being her pet, slave or whatever the heck.
Comments
Your relationship sounds like the same type of relationship I go for. Some d/s, but not TPE.
Another problem with “bottom” is that this word has a negative connotation among some in the scene. They look down on “mere” bottoms, making it seem like enjoying play is a bad thing. Sad to say, but some people in the supposedly open-minded community need reminded that it’s okay to be kinky.
Posted by: roo-roo | November 8, 2006 7:39 PM
Yeah, I see guys beating themselves over the head for daring to have needs and desires.
Why engage in a relationship if it doesn’t meet your needs?
Posted by: Richard | November 8, 2006 8:16 PM
I think part of the problem is that often we fit a single label so perfectly, but the moment that it happens is so fleeting that you can’t continually identify yourself that way.
I have issues with the label thing. I’ve started explaining it in recipe form- a dash of masochism, a touch of slavery, and I’m dependent on finding someone who doesn’t want to eat the same thing every night.
Posted by: tulsa | November 8, 2006 9:12 PM
We fit one label. Then another as our needs and desires flit from on place to another. We can’t be held to a single model or rule.
I figured you would be one of the people to get the gist of this entry.
Posted by: Richard | November 8, 2006 9:47 PM
To me these labels are fairly colourless. ‘Bottom’ is the one who likes having things done to him, ‘Top’ is the one who likes to do the things, the one who, on the surface at least, is controlling and orchestrating the events (though we all know this is only true in a degree).
I’m sure I’ve stressed that to hear begging is one of my weaknesses, in fact I think it’s almost a fetish. To be begged to do something sadistic is for me a moment when I get a strong sense of how much power (or should I say potential energy) I have.
Anything that unblocks communication channels between us is a good thing. Sometimes I have/had no idea you were struggling with these verbal constructs. It seems like it should have been obvious, almost.
I don’t equate asking (begging) for things as different from… should I say submissiveness or bottomness or slavishness? I’m confused :)
But you know what I mean and that’s the main thing.
(I do think this is a big thing for us, to, if I haven’t made that clear)
Posted by: Alexandra | November 11, 2006 1:38 PM
I think the struggle with terms – and it was very early on when we were first talking – was trying to – sort out how my desire for certain sensations related to my desire to be pleasing. If I were less compulsive about clarifying things I would’ve just waited to see what emerged.
It was in a discussion on usenet where I first really connected personally to the label bottom. Janet Hardy (publisher of Greenery Press) described someone as a “humiliation bottom.” That enabled me to expand the idea of bottom to include the psychological components. In my case the desire to offer submission and adoration. And it seemed free of some of the cant surrounding the word “submissive.”
And I still treasure the image of myself as your “slave.” You know how I’m most fulfilled when feel I’m nothing but an extension of your will.
I regret – for both of us – that I never begged. Thankfully you know it isn’t a matter of pride. I just have to get past that point in which begging seems like demanding.
Labels I’m not really worried about. We love each other and understand each other’s needs.
Posted by: Richard | November 11, 2006 3:46 PM
I regret – for both of us – that I never begged. Thankfully you know it isn’t a matter of pride.
Begging? That’s an odd one for me. I just can’t bring myself to do that. It might be a pride related thing, or a competitive streak. Haven’t really explored it enough. At the moment, I can’t even get into the mindset to understand how it would feel.
Tom Allen The Edge of Vanilla
Posted by: Tom Allen | November 12, 2006 12:36 AM
While not a milksop I’m not at all competitive. Perhaps some things would’ve been better were I more so.
Begging would be a full expression of my need and a way of empowering Alexandra. Deeply satisfying for us both.
Posted by: Richard | November 13, 2006 3:25 PM
Interesting reading your posts have made. Your right that we can’t escape the labels even when we talk about ourselves so we pick the ones we are comfortable with even if they are not 100% accurate. Me, a submissive not likely, but bottom is more fitting, masochist most definitely. what truly bugs me is those that look down on you because of what you like and don’t like, that yap about the “right way to play”
Posted by: Chef | November 24, 2006 6:19 PM
Feeling that what works for them is what fits everybody is one of the most common failings in all human activity, not just kink.
If it weren’t so annoying the desire to feel superior to others would just be laughable. And these people often wonder why they don’t have friends or lovers.
Thanks.
Posted by: Richard | November 24, 2006 6:47 PM