Images
» Prior Relationship
Mostly I’ve felt sexually dormant these past few weeks. A couple of violent images would pop into my head from time to time.
One was a comprehensive beating with a heavy leather strap, me on the floor trying to crawl away. The other similar but I was being kicked about the room. Understandable: escape through pain - a masochist’s crack cocaine.
After our breakup I kept seeing myself resting on my side at the feet of a woman. She didn’t hurt me, just let me be there, my head near feet.
Now my sexuality occasionally cracks open an eye, gives me a lascivious wink only to return to napping. No problem. It will probably soon enough be asking for coffee, then demanding a hearty meal.
A few images are recurring in my mind.
The smooth, pale butt of the boy who so long ago licked my boots and gave me my first taste of BDSM.
A crossdresser kneeling, yearning to be pleasing.
Random snapshots of my fantasy, ranch, farm or whatever the location of many of my long-term fantasies is. Instantly they flash then die.
Most persistent is of a slightly butch woman - call her a female master - dressed from fingertips to toes in functional black leather. The outfit is arousing be virtue of being plain and efficient. Nothing happens though it feels implicit that it will shortly.
I watch this stuff happen inside me hoping to learn something without forcing meaning. But I can’t claim to find these edifying.
And I’m watching myself very warily right now.
Where is the grief I wonder? Where are my tears? Am I suppressing my feelings? Will a buried response to what has happened suddenly emerge and drag me down?
I feel a not unfamiliar guilt: a worry that I’m inhuman.
Not that I’m fool enough to think myself coldhearted.
Just a little confused.
Comments
Now I understand your comment.
I drift into the fantasy that I am actually inhuman in some form another, be it mechanical, extraterrestrial, or otherwise mutated. It is often a soothing hallucination, for a time.
Posted by: maymay | September 26, 2007 7:03 PM
I think it’s possible to go romantically and emotionally dormant just as much as it is possible to go sexually dormant. I don’t think of it as repression—just a temporary reduction in volume when the emotional world has gotten to loud and jangly.
Posted by: Switch (Fetishlore) | September 26, 2007 8:04 PM
I don’t think of it as repression—just a temporary reduction in volume when the emotional world has gotten to loud and jangly.
I’m with Switch here. The Big stuff takes awhile, sometime a long while, to process.
I have a “survivor” mentality…I think you and I are a lot in common that way…so when something Big (the not good kind) happens in my life, my “surivor” defenses switch on. I don’t bleed all over myself or other people in my life, I have a primal instinct to move on, keep functioning.
I’ve had enough Bad things happen to learn to trust my internal processes (at least as far as I can throw them). Tears? The worse something is, the less likely I’m going to cry about it.
I think this is all different from denial or repression, I really do. If you are getting up every day, interacting with your friends, thinking about the future, what more can you really ask of yourself so close to a big event? Everything else will fall into place eventually. (Possibly a different place than it was before, but a place nonetheless)
Wish I could give you a big hug right this second. :)
hugs, E
Posted by: Elizabeth | September 27, 2007 3:39 AM
Just want to say that I have been lurking for a year and am truly sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Verity | September 27, 2007 4:24 PM