Lessons of Three Years

It isn’t as if I haven’t said any of this in greater depth over the last three years but this seems an OK if slightly arbitrary summary:

I genuinely find happiness in surrendering myself. In dropping from the never wholly ineradicable arrogance of an isolated childhood and being smarter than the majority of my schoolmates.

Romance can be mixed with D/s. Though that can at times be a struggle for the top. The bleed between conventional emotional space and power exchange can be confusing.

Within he D/s experience - scene, scenario - submissive guys like myself often find it very difficult to communicate desire or express themselves: even when doing so is sought by and would be pleasing to the dominant partner. Some of that may stem from a fear of seeming demanding. But it may also be a form of unconscious selfishness in trying to force the top to be more assertive.

That erotic dominance should never been confused with emotional invulnerability. Topping isn’t just an art and craft. It occupies a portion of the top’s heart as well as mind. Pleasure in power doesn’t lessen the need for tenderness, comforting and reassurance.

Healthy couples continue to learn the text of the other’s inner life. If you blend in BDSM it is a larger text. And much of what we do contradicts the simple precepts we absorb from folks around us. It can be difficult to establish the shared vocabulary for exploring all this together.

After guilt or shame should you be cursed with either dispelling the confusions caused my fantasies is necessary for a sane sex life. On both sides of the erotic equation we hope to solve.

Kink no more than unconditional love guarantees every desire will be reciprocated. But - given honest good will, openness and freedom from the fear of loss of role many can come to be. It may be simple unexpected delight. Or how trying something induces in the other what we already want to see.

None of these lessons come as quickly and easily as we’d like. But unless we’ve actually been so lost in selfishness we should never fall for the foolishness of feeling we are wrongdoers. That will only hold us back.

Thanks to TCP/IP and HTML we’re now able to share the experiences of good people similarly inclined. A blessing and luxury compared to a couple of decades back. Still there is the tendency for a top or bottom to seek a model instead of searching within him or her. Attempting to adopt the standards of strangers is as big a mistake in BDSM as in any other part of life. Some people will always be sheep: forget about them.