Misfires
» Prior Relationship
A week or so again at the end of a session Alexandra told me to go wash my face. I made a flippant remark, annoying her.
One of the ways she’s been very good and understanding with me is handling my need to transition out of slave space. I failed to understand that she likewise drops her dominance gradually. It isn’t like turning off a light.
Last night we were playing informally. At one point I said I was out of the mood. I meant just that I was in sort of a lull. We’d been briefly distracted by a couple of things. That she’d reestablish the mood wasn’t something I doubted.
A disastrously tactless remark: it certainly killed her mood.
It was as if we’d been making out and during a break she said that she didn’t want to continue because I’d lost my erection.
I feel ashamed. Not that I feel like I’m a bad person. Just that I’m not as aware as I should be of her needs. Playing as we do often in and out of D/s and mixing it with gentle romance requires more skill and insight than the more straightforward scenes.
I wonder if, perhaps only for a time, we should use a material token even when we aren’t acting as owner and property.
The collar we’ve used in the past implies strict Goddess and slave roles. I do have an old collar that has never been used. It could be used when we may not be doing more formal D/s or at least will be acting more loosely at first. While I could behave normally unless told otherwise it would be an agreement to obey any request or demand when she made one.
Or if the collar seems too intrusive or aesthetically unappealing there are the wrist cuffs which can easily be ignored.
Or something hidden like the genital collar or cock cage.
If we knew more often in advance that we’d be playing later any of these, certainly the latter two, would tend to put me at least lightly in an submissive frame of mind that she could use more fully when she felt like taking control of me.
A few or several hours anticipation would be like very long mental foreplay.
Regardless, I hope my awareness of which words and actions may ruin an experience for her will sharpen.
Comments
Doing loving and more playful D/s is a lot harder than the times when I almost become Dungeon Mistress X. The mood is very delicate and more unusual than normal loving. It was dissapointing for both of us when things went off but it’s far from entirely your fault. Oh hey wait a minute, I’m a Domme. Of course it was your fault, you worthless piece of scum. ;)
Posted by: Alexandra | June 22, 2005 3:27 PM
I think my own moods may have grown more fragile. Probably worry while you were away, wanting things to be perfect on your return. I want to get back to being better able to roll with the flow.
Not sure if my notions of ‘object foreplay’ are worthwhile or not. Maybe too artificial.
Always happy to be your worthless scum.
Posted by: Richard | June 22, 2005 4:54 PM
i so appreciate you two sharing your ‘feeling out’ stage with all of us. richard, i identify w/ you so much - you have these specific fantasies of being abused and used. Alexandra, You remind me of my Goddess, who is more into the ‘feel’, the whole emotional part of ‘domming’. For both of you, i say “Go for it!”. Where my G has felt free to punish, deny, be strict, i have been in heaven.
Posted by: pleaseletme | June 22, 2005 7:34 PM
I like the way the two of you interact. That’s why I prefer reading your blogs than doing mine. Heeheehee!
Posted by: Pinay D | June 22, 2005 8:42 PM
maintaining passion in a relationship is so difficult. to add to the complications, we can’t even control how we evolve and change as human beings from time to time.
communication helps a lot though. being able to talk out your disappointments so you can figure out what went wrong and what can and can’t be fixed—and then having the realtionship survive and thrive despite it all—that’s what it’s all about.
better times will come again. this too shall pass. a hiccup or 2 can make the future that much better and more exciting.
Posted by: laura | June 23, 2005 12:46 AM
I can’t really add much to what you said so clearly.
We do communicate wonderfully well. Something I’m hoping will become more clear as Alexandra adds more entry to her own weblog.
Posted by: Richard | June 24, 2005 7:56 AM
Nice to see, strangely enough, that d/s is not all the perfection and fantasy so often read about in books and on-line. We have had our fair share of hiccups this year. I’m not so sure, sometimes, that the d/s adds more difficulties, even if it also adds more intimate and unique experiences, as well.
Posted by: SuzyQ | December 12, 2005 8:28 PM
In our case D/s is a part of our relationship. It doesn’t define it. Our time together would probably be simpler but not better if the latter were true.
I’ll forever be hoping to find harmony with her as both her worshipper and her lover, each in their respective roles. The ‘forever’ isn’t meant to express hopelessness. Just acknowledging that the goals of a relationship are always being approached if never perfectly realized.
Posted by: Richard | December 12, 2005 8:43 PM