Motivating Things
» Prior Relationship
My “weekend” is Wednesday and Thursday.
About midmorning I realized that though I’d intended to work on cleaning up the house. Instead I got caught up in answering email and that led to web work. Legitimate in itself but a decent home should my priority with Alexandra’s November return.
(Sure, it should be more of a priority in general, though I’m happy with the sloppy grad student approach. She isn’t. And this is way worse. Thankfully she knows that when my prior lover took my heart put it in a blender and pushed the pulverize button parts of me, well, broke. I’m very lucky to have the love of a woman who willing to cope with the aftermath.)
People talk about the motivational power of mental imagery …
I summoned up an image of her in an outfit that always brings out the slave in me and myself bound in a special way. That got me on my feet and with the aid of some early electro-funk I was at work.
A few weeks ago in chat she mentioned she wanted the room the computer tidied up. Particularly some boxes removed. I want them out as well. What good are the books and CDs in them if I can’t enjoy them? The next days a bunch of boxes were moved and unpacked. (Still a work in progress: overcoming years of entropy has created a situation that could illustrate an encyclopedia article on “Logistical Nightmare.”)
In Affirmations Beyond D/s she writes of a ritual to enable me to become cleaner (given what I’ve admitted to here I have to laugh at myself for feeling embarrassed to admit that I may need this):
I am washing my hands because they are dirty and anything dirty is not good enough for my owner and displeases Her.
I’m still turning this over in my mind. Not because I don’t think it isn’t a good idea. Partly because of our physical distance - something I hope to eventually overcome. Mostly because I’m given to hesitation until I can give an authentic response. In a night or two the appropriate synapses will connect and I’ll wake at 2:00 a.m. and it will all fit together in my mind.
Her writing that had much with my going shopping this morning to buy things like extra nail clippers (which I’m forever misplacing).
It has helped me realize that I should start living now as if she were already here. By invoking her presence and ritually enhancing it I can begin the process of necessary transformation.
And there’s the basic mantra that Lady Julia mentions:
“And it feels so good to please in all areas.. it feels good to her and because of this, it feels so good to me.”
The pleasure of pleasing: my body warms with a happy flush.
Anyway, the gist of what I meant to convey: in thinking of her within fetish, simply expressing a desire and her taking time to express an interest in helping me change each has afforded me motivation.
Comments
This is wonderful news :)
It sounds like you’re really starting to not just heal but actually grow. That is, not to trivialize the things you’ve learned so far. Perhaps evolve would be a better word.
Hold onto that feeling because it won’t be much longer now. I feel it too and it makes the simple act of existing a very nice thing.
Love you xxx
Posted by: Alexandra | October 6, 2006 9:05 PM