On Seeing Other People

Were I a politician my observation might be that Alexandra and I are facing a new dawn in our relationship. To be honest it may be dusk.

That she feels a real need for experiences with other people had become a reality of which I was convinced. In a post of today she wrote:

… I should explore with other people. It’s like a force driving me.

This did give me pause:

If I don’t follow my heart, I will run the risk of feeling restricted and resentful - this will make it impossible for me to dominate him if I feel ‘restricted’ by him.

My gut response was “Just dominate me, damn it!”

Realistically there are conditions that must be in place for the top to be able to assume that role. The bottom may naively expect a mere assertion of power. But that perceives D/s in the vacuum of fantasy. Being a matter of the psychology of two individuals there is no answer that works for everybody.

Ignoring power exchange, we can summarize the situation: if my relationship is interfering with my self-realization then the relationship is failing.

Most importantly:

This is all really quite difficult to deal with and I’d appreciate it if anyone wants to lend an ear.

I’m not being a saint. This will be greatly aided by the experience and empathy of others. Don’t be shy in offering her advice or comfort.

So much for Alexandra. How does Richard feel about this?

Ahem.

I don’t know. The tangle of emotions isn’t easily sorted through, separated and analyzed. Often there is a delay before my feelings and thoughts manifest themselves. While I’m a warm and emotional man there’s also a cold side of me. And the inner computer wants to go about its correlating before providing me with a verdict. I think the general semantics people - remember them? - might call this the thalamic pause.

So: no rush to judgment. Heck, how many opinions have I reversed or at least so heavily modified that my initial response seemed gibberish. That keeps life entertaining.

It is entirely possible that when my back brain and fore brain conclude their conference I’ll decide that I cannot cope with any sort of polyamory.

If you are wondering: what about poor Richard - don’t! I’ve responded to the failure of romance in the most poisonous, self-destructive ways imaginable. That finally tempered my heart and I have an inner hardness. Sure, it would hurt, but I’m fed up with letting myself spin off into foolishness and darkness. I’m what sociologists used to call inner-directed - makes me less than the ideal submissive guy at times maybe - I’m good at coping.

That I might decide that her need for multiple partners will spell the end of our romance is something that Alexandra naturally fears. My support of her being true to herself doesn’t mean that I won’t attend equally closely to who I am.

Should we part as lovers our friendship will endure. There’s no value in recriminations. We aren’t children.

Let us examine the possibility that I engage with others while she does the same.

There is the real possibility - regardless of intent (intentions are worthless things) - that one of us may find someone who is so satisfying that the need to actually get together again fades. This is a given in a polyamorous relationship that involves so much time apart.

Or that the particular pleasures of the supposedly transitory play partners will change the expectations we have from each other. Were we living together I wouldn’t say that. But the ocean that separates us makes it a real possibility. We may indeed spend more time with our secondary playmates than with each other.

Involvement with others opens the possibility of change if not exactly growth. Change may or may not be good. The effect of change cannot be predicted.

What would I get out this?

My sadomasochistic thrills and giggles. I could explore all sorts of awful experiences. Interact with men. For me this is probably more exciting while masturbating than in real life. But not necessarily for her. Ignoring other possible compulsions is fits with our age difference. I’m much older. My libido is in my mind and heart. At her age the hormonal tide is so powerful. Nothing wrong with that. Only fools ignore the realities of biology.

Pragmatic considerations: only an exceptionally sane - hence rare - dominant can cope with being told “Sure, I’ll do whatever you want until my real top comes back.” Dominant people often bitch about the falsity of supposedly submissive persons. I don’t know that I have it in me to cope with the irrational expectations of many tops. (I could feel more optimistic if I lived in a metropolitan area.)

I guess if Alexandra is looking then Richard is on the market.

Honestly, if I place myself on the slave auction block - for reasons I won’t list here - I don’t see a group of avid bidders. Even among the women - and because they’ve said so I know they exist - who’ve wondered what it would be like to work their whims on my mind and flesh. And that, in plain, honesty, is one of the reasons I find this troubling. I’m no sexy maymay.

Theoretically the idea that someone might drop by and leave me black and blue is thrilling. But how would that modify my masochism? How would I communicate that to Alexandra? Would it create a disconnection? Would you want to find yourself comparing Sadist X with Sadist Z.

What about boot worship? To me this has been all about her. How would it feel to lick and kiss another’s footwear?

Words of homage? Given the hitherto romantic nature of D/s with her how would it feel to say the same or nearly the same things to someone else? And then to her once she returns?

Possibly I could compartmentalize those forms of masochism and adoration. Or I’d accept that I offer the same forms of submission to more than one person.

Clearly there’s no way to know until each of us explore power exchange and sadomasochism with others.

Not that I have any idea of where I stand with all of the above at this moment. But this entry needs to end.

Alexandra’s earlier post: Welcome to My World.

And I wrote about My Monogamy, followed up by My Monogamy : Afterword.