On Uncontrolled Desire
» Prior Relationship
Written somewhat to complement Alexandra’s Desire to be Dominant, Fluctuations Thereof.
Two things you must understand before reading this entry.
My relationship with Alexandra is mostly conventionally romantic but includes some D/s and S&M. This is what Alexandra wants and I want.
I’m recovering from a devastating relationship that almost destroyed me sexually. Our romance began with each of us having some idea of how this might shape things.
Our D/s play has given me a level of erotic satisfaction that I went years without. Really we both want the ‘vanilla’ side of our lovemaking to be more consistent and passionate. (Not that we don’t have a strong romantic-erotic connection.)
The libido can be overmastering. I’ve seen the relationships of sane and wonderful friends - men and women - brought to a miserable end when sexual appetites were imbalanced.
My desire for more D/s play has put our relationship off kilter.
No Femdom rhetoric about just surrender or worrying about pleasing her. What sort of man would I be if I didn’t want to make my beloved happy?
When I feel the unyielding grip of sexual passion I’m not sitting there imagining being whipped. It is sheer naked desire: no particular act or image in my mind.
The psychosomatic effect is horrible: cramps and nausea. I may have the silly illusion that I’d be better off dead. Or asexual which sounds about as bad.
You may say that we aren’t compatible. I hope that isn’t true. I love her with fathomless ardor.
So what am I going to do about this bleak state?
Keep trying to make it work. Not let it defeat me.
I’ve often felt I’m one of the most sexually wholesom people I’ve ever met. Toward my dead ex-lover who gifted me with this I feel a sharp resentment. Really I have only myself to blame for remaining after it had long been clear I should leave.
Final clarification: I in no sense blame Alexandra for the imbalance. Nor myself. Sexual desire has its own peculiar, boneheaded ‘logic.’ Our erotic dialectic will eventually achieve a happy resolution.
Comments
I’ve always been confident that this thing will unravel it’s-self, though recently as we have been discussing in ‘real life’, my being worried by this can make you more worried which makes me more worried etc…
There are times when I feel pressure to be dominant - even if I feel dominant anyway. It adds a sense of urgency, like I need to achieve that state to help you get through the ‘gift’ of your ex’s legacy.
Yes, this is complicating my domme life slightly but please don’t panic because it’s only an occasional passing thought.
Our relationship is under a lot of different pressures and from both ends (you and I). This kind of thing is to be expected and I’m sure we’ll get through it - we are both intelligent people who are attracted to and love each-other.
Posted by: Alexandra | August 12, 2005 10:05 PM