Pleasing Myself

» Prior Relationship

After reading my notes on crush and trample Alexandra asked me:

Are there any things you want to try that you’re not sure I’ll like?

Funnily enough I’d been thinking of this entry earlier in the day and when I tried to picture things I’ve craved to experience my mind went blank.

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Partly it is a man missing the one he loves. Her presence will be wonderful in itself.

As I’ve noted my inner theater of cruelty hasn’t been as thrilling as it once was. About all I can fantasize about is being made lowly and worshipping. A submissive man’s cravings reduced to its most elemental form.

But I need to be honest with myself (and her). It isn’t as if once she’d back there won’t come times when I crave x, y, and z (not to mention l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, u, v and w).

Let’s see if while they aren’t buzzing in the back of my mind I can summon up some of my desires.

In this weblog I’ve sent her clues and signals to many of my masochistic aspirations. Likewise in the verbose emails of what I’ll call my online courtship of her.

The sketches. Yes. Over a year ago I wrote abbreviated dramas (sometimes comedies) attempting to share my fantasies. And to capture what I thought might be hers. What lurks in that prehistory of our relationship?

Before she chose Goddess as the title that I address her as her slave I explored the idea that she might vary the honorific: one way to keep your creature on his toes.

Human pet of all things. I had no idea how dear that status would become to me.

It surprises me that there are a couple of chastity sketches. This was really before I came to understand the psychology of 24/7 penis control.

As we bonded over her footwear my sketches went a bit beyond her desires in boot training.

And being kicked. What could knock you more deeply into your slave self than a woman kicking you?

And that short one of kneeling at the door waiting for her entrance. I grew up an arrogant lad only to discover the joy of humility.

So many pretexts for pain: years of hungering for someone who would enjoy my suffering bubbled out. Likewise being hobbled by bondage, bound, caged.

Bound as she poked me with a cane. Psychologically brutal but no more than reportage of a real desire.

Imaginatively, maybe kookily I tried to spin scenes of crushing and trampling me.

I smile at my look at our time together from an imagined future. While not evoking any of my fetishes I think it evoked many of my hopes.

Still I haven’t mentioned itches that I want scratched. What does this slavish masochist want? I’ll try

Strong Psychological D/s

Conditioning. Understand I’m talking about doing this with someone I love and trust.

Longer duration. This is a natural extension of the previous. As I’ve outlined in earlier notes I hunger for emotional and mental experiences that are drug like. That includes the conditioning effect. Certain punishments will only push the envelope in they take time.

That such experiments would involve stress is a given, almost the point. Including myself feeling bored while confined. My own suspicion is that after a point the boredom would eventually transition into something exhilarating.

This is where I find myself drifting off into stringent pet play. Staying on my hands and knees for hours. Eating from bowls on the floor or scraps tossed on the floor.

Honestly, I’m not sure the above is possible. But it is what fills my imaginary D/s life right now. Since I love Alexandra and wouldn’t want to subject her to stress I’m not going to lose any sleep about it.

I do hope she will enjoy time spent under strict protocol. We did this very briefly. But there was a mishap that needed be worried about in the future.

While I don’t want to drink her piss I really wish she would force me to. I feel a strong need for harsher humiliation. Humiliation is like pain but without fear of bodily injury. (Not that I’m worried about the latter.)

I’m certainly hoping to explore, perhaps find my limit with pain. The whole overwhelming spectrum of masochism.

And there are certain traditional forms of S&M that don’t currently excite her that I’m hoping she’ll eventually want to explore. (In not specifying I’m not being coy. I’ve already confessed them to her and noted them in entries and images. But I’d rather wait until some particular cruelty appeals to her. With some things asking would kill the thrill.)

Ah, yes, the toys. There are some we’ve yet to use. I’m hoping some of them will kindle her own imagination. Those I’ll remain silent about.

Except the TENS unit: I’m not sure how much is to be had out of this. But - perhaps outside a scene - we should fiddle with it and figure out if I wasted my money.

The humbler: we put it on wrong. Hope it works next time. There’s something so humbling about being bound that way. (Interestingly it has a connection for a TENS unit.)

The night she put the posture collar/bar on me is one I treasure. Actually I let myself kneel to low and she had to rescue me from it. Not that I said anything: the device shut my brain down. But she could tell. And then let me rest my head on her boot until my mind was able to come back up. No night has left me more grateful. But with proper stretching my knees should be up to it. And the idea of being so haplessly bound and vulnerable to her whims stirs me to my core.

There’s a lot to just relive. Being her putty pet. And if I’m lucky I’ll see her ascend into Bitch Goddess and put the fear of Her in me again. Or wear the outfit that I call Lady Discipline. Who knows what will happen the next time I’m led to the toilet. Or I’m led by on a leash fixed to my penis. Or new surprises that I can’t guess (what could be better?).

OK, there you have my wish list of a sort.

Sure I hope for degradation and pain but most of what my slavish side wants is to just be beneath her heel. With every particle of my being.


I think a lot of what you need is just for me to be harder more often and let go more. I’m certain that the fact that it’s you is making it harder to do some things. Not because I think it would hurt you or even me emotionally, but probably because of my natural protective instinct as your girlfriend and the worry of harm - with the casual slaves I was still concerned and careful, but it was somehow /different/ and I suspect I may have been able to be more ‘brutal’.

I’m not worrying about this. The more we practice, the more I can learn how to push you. And my enthusiasm seems to have at least doubled since we have sorted out our crossed wires!

Harder, more often? You know me :-)

I have complete faith in you. I know that some part of you will always be watching to make sure I’m OK.

Still I do wish some of my kinky cravings would remind me of themselves right now. Though I may just be feeling too peaceful to be able to think of whatever unsatisfied fetishes I have.

Your feelings?

Please share your feelings about Pleasing Myself. Please stick to the topic of the entry. Forthright disagreement is fine as long as it is civil.
My thanks,


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