Still Kinkless
» Prior Relationship
When I say that I’ve never had a lover that whose flesh I enjoy touching as much as I do Alexandra’s I’m not being merely gallant. The intimate response, her visible pleasure are more than I could’ve anticipated.
A few nights ago we made out as I massaged her for a couple of hours. She could barely sit up straight by the time it was over. My pleasure in pleasing her cast a happy glow on everything.
But what about the kink - that is what we come here to read about. Leave the romance to Harlequin.
Our fetish life has remained on hiatus.
We’ve enjoyed each other’s company for me to complain. But in the back of my mind I worry a bit - just only a bit. Given the limited time we can spend together I suspect we’ll regret missed opportunities if we don’t do more before like Mr. Mxyzptlk he is forced to return home.
Physically she’d had to recover from jumping through five time zones. I had a bought of mysterious tiredness: could barely stay awake for a few days. She’s had some distracting aches and pains including a problem tooth. And - two - bouts of food poisoning.
Mentally: my libido has been low. Libido in a more pervasive sense than the urge for orgasm. I’m not fully in touch with either my masochism and desire to surrender.
Why?
My financial state is grim. Though I’m sure I’ll eventually get past it. And I’ve coped more than enough stress in recent years to send most people to a psychiatrist asking for pills to ease the pain of life. Usually I’m good at coping with stress so I doubt this plays a role in damping my kinky side.
I may have more or less hypnotized myself inadvertently. Not wanting to be a fetish pest when she returned I may have overcompensated and temporarily neutered myself.
Mostly I think I have strong performance anxiety. It isn’t only dominants that feel strain of wanting to do everything perfectly.
Pent up wishes and dreams have left me anxious. The multiplicity of desires may be confusing me. Not really sure.
I’m nervous about my masochism. Is it really there? I’m sure it is. But without the confidence the idea of being hit is scary. This will pass.
My very hunger to feel submissive and worshipful may be keeping those feelings from finding expression.
I’m still in touch with the part of my heart that feels bliss in licking and kissing her boots. There were a couple of chances but I dawdled and the moments passed. Silly me.
I’m off for the next few days.
Maybe we’ll try some bondage. The collar and cuffs can have talismanic powers over my mind.
Maybe play with neglected or unused toys: try some new torments. And serve as a target so she can renew her skills with whips and crops.
Really I don’t think it’ll take much effort to get things rolling again. Overcome one inhibition and the others will crumble.
Comments
It always seems a pity to force kink - or even sex - due purely to time constraints and knowing one will regret it later if opportunities aren’t taken.
Still, viewed with a cold calculating eye, it’s something most of us did when we were young adults dating.
This is a problem I think most people in long distance and many (most?) long term relationships face.
I am sorry to hear about your finances. I went looking to see if you had one of those little “Donate!” buttons on your site; I see you don’t. You might consider it. I don’t imagine it would bring in much, but this site is on my list of daily essentials, and I doubt I’m the only one. (If you find this suggestion offensive, please accept my humblest apologies. I want only to help.)
Posted by: R | March 27, 2006 7:34 PM
Im no good at forcing things. My need for intimate acts to seem to flow naturally is strong enough to almost be a weakness.
I appreciate the thought about the donation button. But since Im running advertising it seems kind of inappropriate.
But it does make me very happy to know that you care.
Posted by: Richard | March 28, 2006 2:26 AM