Sweet, Soft Surrender
» Prior Relationship
I’ve you’re one of those folks who’ve visited on and off for for a time you know that I enjoy pain. Alexandra has worked through assorted canes, whips, wooden spoons and arcane punishment devices while I just suck it up. A “pain sponge” she’s called me.
Digging in the back of my brain I’ve found my masochism alive when I was a little boy in elementary school, aroused in a peculiar presexual way by the site of men in pain (in movies).
And - to be ashamed but honest - there were times when I felt that if Alexandra couldn’t be crueler that maybe my needs weren’t going to be met. Maybe I should be looking for someone else. And it wasn’t that I didn’t (don’t) deeply love Alexandra.
Being a pain whore can be a burden even if you are gifted with a sadistic lover. But my heart was full of lust. And I can’t escape my joy in pain anymore than most of you can being monosexual.
The other night Alexandra said (something like)she saw herself leading me on the leash with specific goal or requirement in mind.
Since then I wake up far too early in the morning to get up. I see myself on my knees collared. My leash in her hand. I don’t know what she’s going to do. Maybe nothing more than walk as I crawl after her.
Then I can’t go back to sleep. I don’t tell myself some torrid story of her doing wicked things to me. I just sort of curl up into myself and bask in the pleasure of her control and my humility.
And seeing myelf press my cheek against her leg I drift back off finally for a little more sleep before beginning my day without her, waiting for her return to the US.
