The Fault of Being Inarticulate
» Prior Relationship
I’m supposed to be working but I’ve mostly been thinking about my failure to articulate desires and needs.
I’ve always made a point of not seeming pushy or demanding with lovers and friends. That is a good thing. But as I’ve noted before I’ve taken my sense of good manners to a level where it is a vice. I’m not doing Alexandra a favor.
Of course I’m afraid of the word “no.” More broadly of feeling rejected. I trust Alexandra to never wound me; I don’t trust myself. This isn’t typical of me. D/s and S&M have become a part of my life only recently. I’m a novice and feel a bit lost without the confidence I bring to much of my life.
I do become literally in articulate. Unable to finish sentences, even words. Sometimes when I contemplate a fantasy finally become reality I feel as if I’m in the eye of a hurricane watching incalculable, primordial forces coruscating about me. My need strikes me dumb.
My self-analysis is all well and good but reflection should prompt action.
We love each other. She’s shown that I can always trust her.
My goal is to finally muster the manhood to not hide my feelings from her.
I love you, Alexandra, and am sorry if I’ve not always done my full share in our time together.
Comments
Being ‘dumb’ in the middle of an intense scene is normal. Outside of scenes I haven’t found you particularly incoherent. Your over-politeness is wonderful but when it makes you worried about seeming ‘pushy’ it often becomes a problem. This is mostly a relic of your relationship with your ex, and the fact that in the past month I have actually been uncomfortable a lot of the time and you’ve picked up on that. It would have been a lot worse if you hadn’t.
As I have said I would like to see you initiating a few scenes by light begging or being submissive in some other way. We are getting there with the collars (which you are free to put out) and the act of putting your head on my chest.
As far as telling me some of your other fantasies, I have enjoyed seeing them put into action and they have lead on to good things.
Posted by: Alexandra | August 13, 2005 12:45 AM
Part of the problem is the childhood condition that inclines me toward gallantry: never be a pest.
But getting so frustrated that I disconnect from you emotionally is hardly chivalrous.
I’m hoping I can work out other things similar to putting my head on your chest. Maybe that will give me the confidence to be more forthright.
Posted by: Richard | August 13, 2005 6:21 AM