The Pleasure of Pleasing

I’ve been glad - as much as her lover as her pet - that Alexandra has accepted that I’ve been masturbating like a maniac while she’s away. And that I’ve tended to keep her out of most of my fantasies.

My habitual fantasies have been very stringent, harsh - heck, if you’ve seen enough posts or emails from a submissive male then you know how carried away it can get. And among masochistic fantasizers nobody can get more carried away than yours truly.

It has never seemed healthy to put her in those stories. Repeated fantasizing can be akin to brainwashing. I didn’t want to accidentally distort what we really have. And for very fuzzy notions of loyalty I switched my masochistic fantasies to men.

My need to place myself beneath her has only grown with time. Not long ago I’d decided that after a certain event happened I’d stop wanking. Or at least reduce it to a minimum.

My love and worship has diminished my fascination with my old theatre of cruelty. Just thinking of sitting on the floor and leaning my head against her knee transports me.

The decision was I think an unconscious need to be more respectful to the most important person in my life. And to imbue my adoration with more purity.

I had no notion how pleased she would be.

Her pleasure left me so thrilled that I went nonverbal for a few seconds even though she’s an ocean away. And this afternoon had to go lie down for a bit when I read another expression of her pleasure in the growth of my need to give myself to her.

That she didn’t ask for some specific behavior also makes me happy. That she trusts me.

More so that she understands my heart is evolving and that I need time and space to let this develop as it will. Rules and prohibitions can come later (something I’ll bring up soon).

There is no greater pleasure than pleasing the one you love.