Is Romance Incompatible with D/s?

I’m a female dom, and I don’t share this viewpoint at all. I think it’s downright weird.

I wouldn’t play only with a boyfriend, but anyone I play with has some relationship with me, even if it’s just “acquaintance with [scene] benefits,” and that means they can be meaningfully miffed, or need reassurance, or create drama, or make me feel insecure, etc. That’s the way humans are, and I’m not interested in severing humanity from my bdsm life.

The Domme on collarme sounds, frankly, wimpy to me. She couldn’t dominate someone she had a romantic relationship with? She’ll only play with someone who doesn’t even want a girlfriend?

People are strange.

I will resist the urge to be snarky, but that sounds essentially like a fantasy/reality disconnect to me.

That BDSM can be carried out without emotional involvement is true. That a BDSM relationship can be carried out that way is, to me, questionable. In the end, I think the simple issue here is that the person who wrote this and the woman he wrote to are essentially incompatible. They have entirely different mindsets of how BDSM fits into their lives, and might not be the best match as play partners.

This same thing was sent to my collarme profile. I don’t see what the big deal is.

If someone differs with you on basic parameters like the level of intimacy in a relationship, then they are probably not a good match, move on. People have different ideas of what they want in a relationship, BDSM or vanilla. People also have different ideas of what kind of BDSM dynamic works best for them. That seems pretty easy to understand. We all have to find others that share our values and preferences. So basic.

I get the feeling the person who wrote this, and who is spreading it around “asking for it to be published” is probably bitter and looking for sympathy. The “disconnect” they discovered was between them and this one other person. No more.

Wow. That’s yet another reason I don’t go to sites like that. How sad that this domme couldn’t be bothered to actually love someone. If she thinks love and d/s can’t coexist at all, it only shows her own inability to maintain balance in her life. To me, bdsm with love is the best kind; they can be separate, but they’re better together.

This registered with me for two reasons.

1) My ex said our romance interfered with her getting all that she wanted out of BDSM.

2) The guy supposedly said it would be nice if a relationship developed, not that he was looking for one. For the woman to be averse to the mere possibility is a bit startling.

Several points:

1. Keep in mind that the post, whether true or not, is one individual’s take on a conversation with a relative stranger. It may or may not be reported correctly, and is a subjective interpretation of a conversation, colored by the poster’s own views and life experience, as well as possible feelings of rejection.

2. “Romance” means different things to different people. In my view, a general liking of and caring for someone I play with doesn’t equate to romance—friendship, certainly, but not a romantic involvement.

3. It’s not unreasonable to keep a vanilla life separate from a D/s life, especially if the situation involves children, a sensitive position, or a general lack of acceptance in one’s social or support circle. This can be particularly true of those new to BDSM, who may not have a fully developed sense of how they fit into the lifestyle or confidence in their play style that comes only with experience.

4. Some are just not emotionally suited or capable of making intense emotional connections quickly, or prefer not to do so. If that’s something of which they are aware, they may very well still enjoy play without the pressure of a potential romantic involvement.

5. A romantic involvement does affect the power dynamic. From my own experience, prior to my acceptance of my more sadistic nature, a romantic involvement would destroy the dynamic and my desire to play with a submissive, because I was at odds internally about hurting someone I professed to love. This has changed, and now I find that a romantic involvement intensifies the dynamic, as I have fully reconciled my needs as a sadist, and my ability to love someone romantically, and intertwine the two. This is a result of changes in who I am, and an acceptance of self. Each person reaches this acceptance at a different pace, if at all, and reactions to power dynamic, relationship, and activities often shift to reflect various stages of personal growth. It’s not good, bad, or indifferent, it’s just a result of the human condition.

I had someone tell Me early on in My relationship with Paladin to make sure we did not mix romance with our D/s relationship. When I told him, his comment was the same as Myne: “Toooo late!”.

We have discussed this at length, and to us, the romance and connection part is a vital part of what we both wanted in this relationship. We wanted to be friends, lovers as well as the power exchange aspects to it. An all in all very holistic relationship.

The intensity of our feelings for each other only intensifies our desires to do the best for each other that we can. He desires to please Me more, and I desire to make him feel deeper and stronger then he ever has before.

This has also affected our energy connection in a very very strong way as we can feel each other even when we are not together.

Neither of us wanted a relationship that had less then everything to it, and indeed.. that is what we have and cherish!

Best to all, Mystress

There are women who for one reason or another do seek minimal emotional involvement. But that is also true of vanilla women.

But my impression is that the majority feel that romance enriches the power exchange.

That your correspondent was a guy is no surprise: he’s probably all caught up in the pornographic images of BDSM - the heartless bitch goddess and all that. Not that I haven’t been there. But what you wank to isn’t what you should try to live up to.