A Night Under Her Mattress

A Very Long Night

I remember so well the moment I finally connected to her sadism.

We’d yet to meet.

She shared a fantasy with me: I would be bound under the mattress while she slept atop me. To be honest my first responses were purely practical: could my body cope with extended bondage.

I was worried that the effect on my legs and feet would be drastic, keeping me from functioning for days. Some details were easily solved: making sure there was enough open space for me to breathe. A siren in my hand in case of emergency.

Wild Surmise

She’d been my (online) friend for years. So it was an amazing moment when I asked her if the idea of putting me in a state where I’d be suffering and miserable would please her.

Her affirmation was gorgeously shocking. That night after I went to bed I simply soared on the endorphin flush of understanding that this sweet person I’d long had affection for could enjoy my pain and misery.

Affection combined with cruelty simply tramples my one-dimensional fantasies into the dust. Even though I still doubted its do-ability for many nights I’d masturbate to the image of myself helpless under the mattress sweaty and sleepless.

Practicality still concerns me. One of my sketches explores using a futon.

We’ve been talking about it still. When I’m her slave all I want to do is please her.

One thing I need is training in enduring bondage. Something easily accomplished when she would enjoy it. Beginning perhaps with being chained and bound alone for increasingly longer periods of time. (And remembering my flexibility exercises.)

Fear

But in our early talks about being thus entrapped I did discover my greatest fear: being trapped flat under something, unable to rise at all.

The self-insight wasn’t quick in coming. I knew the idea scared me for a reason I couldn’t’ discern. It can take lots of digging to discover the wellsprings of your fears.

There are nuances, the image that came to your mind may not be the one in mine: the classic image of premature burial.

May have been reading the Poe story. Honestly I probably saw Roger Corman movie before I read The Premature Burial. Or it may just be one of those common fears. How many people actually consider the possibility?

The phobia can be overcome I think. But it is an example of the kind of limitation you need to be able to perceive in yourself and communicate with your dominant. If you try to oblige her by hiding your fear you may let her unknowingly push you too hard. The consequence can be an inability to ever participate in D/s play again.

Caveat

From item eight in the House of Gord FAQ:

His wife had been arrested by British Customs.

No bars. No window that you can see out of, and a flat steel door. She suffered massive terror and almost went crazy. … Gwen never recovered from that incident. I mention this to emphasis how precarious the trust factor in a claustrophobic can be destroyed and reversed.

End of their marriage.

Not that I want to end this on a bleak note. But never confuse hiding your boundaries with honoring the one to whom you surrender. Should she accidentally maim your mind you won’t have given her a gift.

Concluding Without a Conclusion

What may or may not happen under the mattress I can’t guess. Hopefully we’ll have much joy in exploring.