Last : Constructing the Perfect Fantasy

My over the top masochistic fantasies eventually shifted from being mostly physical masochism to edgy psychodrama. Actually when I came to the edge I jumped off and plunged into an abyss.

Long ago I’d thought it might be exciting to be, say, used a plough horse for a little bit. Later dehumanizing, labor-intensive scenarios crowded my imagination.

The most challenging part of this was reading accounts by people who actually do live them out: guys who actually do go off and live as beasts of burden for a week or two. Challenging in that men had actually experienced something that I didn’t have the nerve to attempt.

In retrospect I’ve come to understand more clearly how much emotional masochism is rooted in the desire to be objectified. Objectification strips a human being of personhood. (One of the most common terms in early feminist discourse: when a woman becomes nothing more than the object of lust, all individual qualities are ignored.)

Perhaps the most common form of BDSM objectification is the use of another as furniture. I must have fantasized about being, say, a footstool. But not much. Being reduced to a helpless human slave, forced to act as a beast of burden seems more compelling than enforced emulation of an object.

It is an individual psychological quirk: being diminished to an unimportant “thing” with consciousness seems more impersonal and humiliating than put in the role of furniture.

Hence the impact of being hooded.

Being transformed into a “faceless object” is something i feared i would find extremely difficult (the face, afterall, embodies so much of the person and personality) but it was not at all unpleasant, infact i found it almost therapeutic, To become something simple, almost 2 dimensional, without face, without words, without concerns, fears or emotions was a wonderful experience.

Zentai-ism and the loss of egocentric emotion

Or the sirik:

Simply put, a sirik is a set of chains which connect the wrists, ankles, and neck. A base chain goes to the neck and runs the length of the body vertically. A second chain runs through the base chain at the natural fall of the wrists, and holds them to the base chain and a body width apart. A third chain runs through the base chain and binds the ankles. The slave can walk, slowly, and use her hands for simple service, but is otherwise restrained. A simple clip put between any two of the end rings of chain secures the slave in place.

Not that I’d encountered this Gorean term until Mistress Jen wrote of her delight in putting one on JSSUBC. (And the bonds are of course older than Norman.) I saw myself in some sort of restaints 24/7.

Pushing the envelope of objectification created new fantasies. I never fantasized about an orgasm during BDSM. Possibly because my earliest fantasies predate my knowledge of orgasm or masturbation. Or that my genitals simply seemed irrelevant as other than a mean of control. Having discovered the chastity subculture there was no doubt that having your penis caged so you couldn’t even touch it was a potent image.

Milking when I first read about it seemed merely an oddity. Once I understood it better an involuntary orgasmless ejaculation struck me as almost breathtakingly objectifying. That act became a key part of my newly envisioned protocols and rituals.

For a long time when I imagined myself being mocked for my status it was simply for being a slave. For wanting to be one. But for the first time ever I came to include being mocked for generic reasons (that they didn’t match reality wasn’t important).

My latter day fantasy life tended to become locked into 24/7 regimentation and discipline. All aimed to cultivate perfectly pleasing behavior and internal enslavement. (NB: while I’m swiping Tanos’ terminology I doubt he’d care for my usage.)

There was never any forgiveness for failure. Since I was routinely treated with contempt in these fantasies and my owner was always a recreational sadist actual punishments had - here comes the labor to create the ideal fantasy scene again - to be “worse” in some special way. Once you’ve upped up the kink wattage that gets hard.

she had envisioned 5 or 6 days at the least locked in the cage. she would receive water after the end of the 2nd day, she envisioned not being allowed to eat at all … she would be locked away until she didn’t know what day it was or how long she’d been there. she’d be brought out for occasional discipline …

A Devoted Slave’s Experience

I can remember only a couple. Being locked in a very, very tight chicken wire cage for a day. Or an iron or wood box for similar duration. No food, no water and I had no choice but to piss or shit were I was bound.

The goal was to cultivate dependence and fear. (I Wrote a short sequence of strict BDSM slave conditioning sketches in an attempt to capture some of these desires.)

There was enough protocol and ritual behavior to drive even a hardcore Gorean to despair. Though the ritualization of behavior was a minor thing given the whole context of the scenario. Ritual for me; evil capriciousness for my owner. (In real life I’ve noticed a fair slice of people who adopt protocols decide they are too much of a bother.)

It was hard to supply these fantasies with incident. They were more about emotion than events. A nutty craving to experience total subjugation by another person.

None of the above is as rare as you might think. A quick look at alt.torture will show you any number of men and women claiming they want the most outlandish experiences.

Scale this all down a bit and it actually does match Master/slave relationships written of very seriously by members of the gay leather community. The key difference perhaps being that while speaking a very demanding lifestyle there is affection.

I give up any and all rights of any kind and description, except those specifically outlined in this document. I specifically waive any and all protection in law or equity, any constitutional rights or protections, and any other rule or regulation that would in any way prevent MASTER from having total control over every aspect of my life.

I desire to be placed in a position where I CANNOT change my mind. Recognising that a government may not allow a totally irrevocable contract, no matter how much I want one, I agree to the following clause, which, while not making this Contract completely unbreakable, makes it extremely difficult to break.

Voluntary Servitude Contract

It certainly seems as if gay Leathermen have tended to push the BDSM envelope (not that I’d care to defend this casual impression). And to offer another probably false impression: M/f couples more heavily than F/m. Don’t misunderstand: I’m very conscious of the diversity. Pity there’s no way I can imagine having a verifiable opinion.

Anyway, for some time I became obsessed with variations of strict and stringent TPE. The range varied from the seemingly livable to the unendurable.

Why my mind came to be wrapped up in these ideas I cannot say. Maybe it was chronic wanking. Perhaps it is something everyone with a strong submissive streak has to cope with. For a time I feared they were going to prove impossible to break free of.

Finally they vanished. Not that don’t sometimes peek out of the back alleys of my mind and teasingly stick out their tongues at me hoping to tempt me back. And …

Continued from Constructing the Perfect Fantasy and Yet Again: Constructing the Perfect Fantasy.