Suffering For Her Pleasure
» S&M Fantasies
I can’t remember if I’ve shared this with you or not.
Though I fancy myself as a masochist de luxe I had to ask Alexandra to moderate - abandon really - certain uses of the cane. I’ve often felt conflicted, even bad about this.
Not that she’s ever complained. Alexandra understood that I was feeling a post-scene traumatic response that seemed bad, unhealthy for me. She may enjoy seeing me suffer but she careful of how she uses her lover and slave.
As I’ve badly wished to express purest submission to her I’ve often found myself thinking of begging her to use me in a way that I can’t honestly say that I want. I don’t fantasize about this. Or only in a way in which fantasies no longer seem selfish.
I’d like to bring myself to beg her to cane my front, attack my nipples and whatever else she wishes. I’ll have to ask her to bind me so that I cannot resist. This is a kind of pain where I can’t be sure that I wouldn’t ultimately fight. That I wouldn’t rise up and say “No!”
So my possible resistance has to be forestalled. Yes, I know that you may say that if I really want to give it then I wouldn’t fight. I say that if I offer something that I don’t know that I can accept without bondage then I’m striving to give her everything I can muster.
I don’t know if I can offer this more than once. But if I do then I’m willing to be taken where I’m frantic and writhing. Not for my masochist’s thrill but her sadist’s will.
Comments
I am very conscious of the fact that things can break when they are hit repeatedly, and I was glad to get that feedback about the worrying pains which IIRC were caused by repeated use of the cane in one spot for what is apparently too long a duration for your body to handle (however much your mind may want it).
The way I see this is quality and quantity. I could Muller you mindlessly on volume setting 11 until I’m exhausted, but whilst that may be enjoyable and romantic, I’d rather learn the skills and techniques of minimal destruction and maxumum pain.
Maybe I’m being overprotective, and I don’t want to appear dismissive of one of the qualities I value so much in you, so maybe we can discuss it or some to-some-degree-compromised version of it later.
Another paralell idea is to adapt this to trampling, though for that to be done properly we need some kind of setup.
Posted by: Alexandra | March 4, 2006 7:40 PM
My recollection - and this was a long time ago - that it quickly got where being struck in front with the cane shocked my system in a way that actually felt bad the next day.
Not sure if this was the sensitivity of the chest and nipples or not. You may not remember it but a very, very long time ago I told you that the idea of being struck in front was for me a very strong punishment experience (or seemed since I had no experience). There could’ve been some psychological component.
On the night I remember you were being very “wrathful” - I don’t remember the context. And I guess can’t really remember the exact quality of the experience. But it would feel “wrong” the next day even. So it may have been quality as much as quantity.
Unsurprisingly I’ve tended to treasure that “wrath.” (Hate using quotes so much but can’t quite catch my bearings on this.)
Don’t worry I’m not going to be foolish enough - at least with this, I’ve told you if I ever get harmed it is probably going to be that I asked you to do something.
I was thinking that if I begged you to do something that I’m averse to - and I trust you to do so wisely - I could give you a very powerful token of surrender. And you know that for me to give you that would ultimately reward me.
And I’m not sure that I could do this - in the way I was thinking of: not at all compromised - would be in my power to do more than once.
We keep evolving and learning so it is hard to say.
Posted by: Richard | March 4, 2006 7:55 PM