It’s All Legal

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by Gulliver

Summer, 2004: a radical animal rights group declares that all beings are one and that great apes deserve all the rights of citizens. The twenty-three year old heir to a dot-com fortune bankrolls them and they go to court to assert the right to personhood of one great ape in particular, a wonder with a several thousand word hand-sign vocabulary and remarkably high cognition scores.

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Winter 2004: This issue is used as proof of the insanity and decadence of the left by the Republicans and plays a small but noticable role in local Republican elections. National evangelical groups speak of the case as an abomination.

Fall, 2005: the “ape case” makes its way up to the federal level where the California federal courts rule that, in fact, great apes and perhaps even other species who can show equivalent brain function, are indeed due all legal rights as persons, from holding a job to voting. Animal rights activitists, having made the point over and over that humans and apes share over ninety-five percent common DNA and many common behaviors, are exultant. They point out that with modification of the vocal cords, some training, and, in the foreseable future, minor cosmetic surgery, some primates should be able to hold jobs, speak, become active online, and eventually perhaps even pass as human. The press is mostly amused, as are some local politicians. Most of the nation, knowing the case only through the comments of Fox News and late night talk shows, is appalled.

October 24th, 2006: in a coordinated assault, deadly attacks are made on U.S. military bases all over the world, a modern day Tet offensive in a dozen countries at once, and just as most of the assaults are being pushed back and the American dead counted, bombs go off in eight U.S. cities, killing over thirty thousand instantly. Local troops look on and cheer, “kill the Crusaders” in Saudi Arabia and Dubai as U.S. bases are overrun. When all is accounted for, over forty-five thousand Americans are dead, nearly equalling in five horrific days the cost in lives of the entire Vietnam war. Enraged Pentagon officials leak documents showing that White House directives had left troops vulnerable and our cities unsecured, allocating most resources to protect pipelines, tanker loading ports, and contractor offices. Anti-Muslim feeling and nationalism reach new highs but faith in the Bush Administration plummets.

November, 2006: Borne aloft by a tidal wave of reactionary feeling, a definitive margin of Christian evangelicals are swept into office, they win a wide margin of seats in Congress, though some are elected not as Republicans but as Members of the Right To Life Party or Reform Party. The new Congress rushes off to pass constitutional amendments as if they were party invitations, passing amendments banning same sex marriage and abortion, requiring respect of the American flag, mandating a balanced budget (but with loopholes for defense spending), and three others in quick succession. The amendments contain funding provisions and supercede existing government programs. Each of these amendments carry not only felony terms for violations but broadly worded language that makes even conspiracy to commit such actions or assist in such actions subject to five years in prison or worse. Each amendment also contains an “all or nothing” clause meant as a “poison pill” to prevent revision by later governments and declaring that should any aspect of the amendment be itself amended, then the entire amendment will be null. A rush of authoritation policies reshapes the nation and more and more citizens mutter (carefully) about revolt.

By winter of the year, small outbreaks of chaos and spontanteous rebellion occur, many brought on by the ever more frequent fuel and food shortages created by years of ill-judged government policies. As occasional cases come to light of police or soldiers refusing to oppose protests, new laws declare the state of war to require that all uniformed officers must carry out their duties to the limits of the law or themselves be subject to charges of desertion and treason. Here and there, agents and troops, usually the most ethical, desert and flee the country, using their connections one last time to get out and disappear. Some are caught in the act, a few are beaten or even killed by those they left behind. One legally acceptable avenue of dissent is aggressive pursuit of voting reform. Never before in living memory have so many people volunteered to help witness, secure, and ensure the sanctity of polling places.

Spring 2007: The “ape case” is overturned by the Supreme Court which, turning to that same difference in DNA, declares that a legal person must be a human being, neither more nor less. The court, consulting with hired genetics experts, chooses six DNA markers exclusive to humans and declares these the standard. Any entity seeking legal personhood and possessing these six markers is human and a legal person, any entity without them is an animal and shall be treated as such under the law regardless of cognitive skills, appearance, or any other non-genetic factor. The majority opinion quotes extensively from the Bible on the issue of man’s natural dominion over all animals and declares it an abomination “in the eyes of the supreme being and the law” to attempt in any way to create ambiguities between these two utterly separate legal statuses.

Summer 2007: Congress, follows up on this popular ruling by creating and passing yet another constitutional amendment, extensively quoting the Supreme Court’s language and making statutory the legal standard of the six uniquely human genetic markers. The amendment also contains a national bill of animal rights, the addition of which astonishes many on the left and guarantees their wholehearted support. Greyhound racing and cock fights become things of the past as the abusive conditions required for such become felony crimes as do all similar violent forms of “entertainment”. A member of the new Animal Matters Police Force (AMPF), must certify and personally supervise any entertainment using animals in any capacity. All assets of violators will be seized and the proceeds of sale used to further fund the AMPF. The amendment institutes a national leash law for populated areas, with exemptions only for dog runs and other legally designated animal-specific sites. Cropping of tails and of ears is forbidden. Sterilization is mandated for all domesticated animals not livestock or part of an authorized breeding program. Spaying is strongly encouraged. Physical exams every two years by an approved veterinarian are required. Funding is provided to encourage the provision of pets for seniors and the disabled. Laboratories using animals for research must justify this decision to the AMPF and follow anti-cruelty provisions.

In keeping with the residual anger from the “ape case”, one amendment provision states that no animal may be dressed in human clothes, or represented to be a human or otherwise presented or treated as if a legal person, with any violations or even connection to violations to be subject to the sorts of strict penalties now added to each of the previous year’s amendments.

The court’s conclusions are reaffirmed that no animal may own property, serve in a profession, or in over twenty different laboriously specified ways laid out by the laws, occupy the role in society of a human being.

Since the amendment contains the same all or nothing provision as the 2006 ones, congressional debate is especially fierce but the final vote is a landslide. The AMPF is swiftly staffed and deployed, providing good public relations at a time when the government is desperate for it. Their training and internal procedures create a strong agency culture of enforcing the law without favor or exception, making them among the few federal agents welcomed just about everywhere and by just about everybody. Eight other nations, including England, Kuwait, Poland, and Germany, pass laws closely modeled on the American one. Fifteen other nations, including China, Russia, and Singapore, pass versions that are similar but considerably watered down. Meanwhile, with schools, roads, and most other government-related parts of America decaying fast, support for the incumbent government is in tatters. The surreal has become commonplace as children go house to house trying to collect taxes for their schools and fireplaces are illegally built in housing projects. With new diseases, most undiagnosed, popping up every day, the last straw for many is when an outbreak of smallpox kills hundreds of people in one rural midwestern county. Gated communities start arming their guards with automatic weapons and the guards, mostly vets of Iraq, Aghanistan, or elsewhere, are not reluctant to use them.

Fall 2008: With the nation in financial chaos, open revolt along parts of the Mexican border, and the utter discrediting of Bush-era policies evident to most Americans, the right wingers of 2006 are swept back out of office even faster then they came in, replaced by congresspeople from fifteen political parties as well as nine independents. A mood of triage prevails and bandaging up the many national ills too diseased to be immediately healed is the constant theme. Work starts to repeal some or all of the recent constitutional amendments but raging disagreement over priorities reduce the Congress to a goal of one amendment per election cycle. Governments of nations around the world, grateful to see the change in regime, promise to cooperate and assist in any way possible.

Spring 2009: Idly using leftover blood from a previous test to calibrate a sequencer, a lab tech discovers that Michael Santowski, of Phoenix, Arizona, admitted with a persistant and undiagnosable skin ailment, has only two of the six genetic markers used to declare somebody legally human. Well aware of the penalties for conspiracy to treat an animal as a human, the tech’s supervisor first calls the hospital’s lawyer and, as suggested, reluctantly contacts the local office of the AMPF.

Mr. Santowski is shocked, as is his visiting girlfriend, when four AMPF agents, apologetic but firm, come into his hospital room, strip him, collar and tag him, and pull him, naked and leashed, through the halls of the hospital to the waiting AMPF van at the far end of the busy hospital parking lot, drive him back to his apartment, and leave him there. It is swiftly discovered that Mr. Santowski has no will or close family and, in a flurry of confused hearings and meetings, the woman who, one week earlier was his girlfriend, is declared his owner. Except for the twenty percent of his assets and a few personal items given to his new owner, the court hands over all his worldly goods to the AMPF on the grounds of uncontested violation of conspiracy laws. The AMPF, on the day of the first notification, earnestly feeling obligated to enforce the law, and not averse to supplementing their badly depleted funding, use Center For Disease Control databases to find similar cases throughout the country. Over five hundred cases are found, and confidential testing determines that three hundred of them are no longer legally human. The examiners work hard to be sure in all cases and send blood samples from each to multiple labs, waiting for duplicate negative results from unconnected sources.

In what would later come to be known as Leashing Day, AMPF agents arrive at hospitals, homes, and offices around America and, having identified the ones in question, strip them, collar them, and lead them past confused, surprised, and occasionally laughing friends, relatives, coworkers, and passersby. As middle-aged secretaries, buffed-up lifeguards, and dozens of other losers in this universal lottery are grabbed by armed and uniformed teams who won’t talk to them, have their clothing pulled off their bodies swiftly and roughly, and are taken away in front of their colleagues, almost all resist somehow or other as AMPF agents, legally required to treat them like animals, ignore their pleas to be told the charges against them, push them to the ground as they wait for elevators and order them to “sit”, and drag them by choke collars and push them by main force into cages in the backs of waiting vans.

In many cases the cages prove to be too small and infectees find themselves forced to wait on the sidewalk on hands and knees for as much as a few hours while waiting for an appropriate vehicle to become available. Agents usually refuse to explain the situation to curious bystanders but more then one infectee learns their new status as an agent, still insistantly willing to tell them no more then “sit” and “stay” and “heel, girl”, hear their keepers explain to somebody that the “animal I have on a leash here” has been declared no longer human by a confirmed series of lab tests and that by U.S. Constitutional mandate they are to be kept this way the rest of their lives. The hearings in the next few weeks confirm that the law is clear and the jurisdiction unquestioned. All three hundred are confirmed as being legally animals and, as before, handed over to hastily chosen owners. The AMPF is granted the vast majority of proceeds of the sale of seized assets. They come out well-funded, well-equipped, and with a new, broader mission.

Some victims, knowing or just suspecting the courts are considering someone worse, find themselves looking up from their humbled places at the feet of a sceptical acquaintance or even just somebody they’ve heard good things about, begging this person to sign the papers and become their owner. In conversations that will shape lives for years, people who a week earlier were driven by dreams of promotions or family or trips around the world, find themselves earnestly pleading with somebody, proclaim their desire to “be a good doggie”, try to be convincing in their eagerness to be taught tricks and not resist when punished. They try to pant convincingly, obey docilely, and hide the pain when somebody who still owes them money from a recent night out tentatively pets them on the head and has them beg for a scrap of sandwich. They can do nothing but watch as their possessions are sold off, given away, or simply thrown in the garbage.

Most people, caught in the grips of their own frantic problems, are simply too busy to find these events anything but a curiosity. Some sympathetic citizens try to help victims escape, or simply continue to treat infectees with “simple human dignity” but then find themselves in federal prison, sentenced to terms as long as twenty years. After a few convictions, open attempts to undermine or route around the law quickly diminish. A few newly-declared “owners” try to take their “pets” overseas and discover that first of all, under the revised NAFTA treaty, Mexican and Canadian customs cannot allow the transshipment of “animals” without the concurrence of the originating government, and even worse, under not yet repealed Bush-era legislation, violation of U.S. felony laws is grounds for pursuit, arrest by federal officers, and conviction, even if the violation occurs outside U.S. borders.

A modest business in smuggling does come about, but the AMPF requires that all human pets be implanted with microscopic tranceivers, inactive unless pinged by an AMPF sensor, which makes the transceiver emit pulses for a fraction of a second and then go silent again. One surgeon tries to find the transceiver anyway, is found, arrested, and ends up in Leavenworth. The business quickly dwindles down to an occasional rushed transfer and an even more occasional sensational series of arrests.

The media begins to shift to covering cases as amusing novelties, featuring stories of one-time bosses in the hands of their ex-subordinates, zoo employees kept in their own cages, or abusive boyfriends getting their comeuppance. When an heir to the Purina fortune gets infected, she is soon subject to a bidding war for both ownership and rights to the story. One by one, most fundamentalist groups declare the infected to be God’s punishment for the decadence of our world, chosen to pay the price for their sinning ways. In a country where over eighty percent believe in angels and under half can explain and are convinced of the reality of evolution, this sways public opinion considerably.

So, a little at a time, people adapt. They get used to keeping their own relatives, or one-time friends naked and housebound. Unsure of what might get them convicted, most forbid their pets to use the bathroom and walk them like dogs or try to improvise litter boxes in back yards. A few forbid their pets to speak, most, after a while, punish and reward them the way they would dogs. Most feed their pets in large doggie dishes and forbid them to use implements. Here and there, using monkeys as the model, some put their pets outdoors in enclosures with large grids of pipe, like oversized “jungle gyms”, that they they require their pets to climb and hang from.

In time, owners in cities, truly meaning well and seeing no better way to keep their charges healthy, start bringing them to dog runs for regular exercise, where onetime functioning adults are ordered by their owners to “play with the other pets” and, immunization tags jingling from their collars, find themselves sincerely caring about their place in the dog packs of their neighborhoods.

Obedience schools either start new classes for this newest kind of pet or allow them to be trained alongside dogs and other, more conventional animals. Training videos become popular, one starring Lynnie England of Abu Graib fame. A resort opens with all infectee-drawn carriages.

Most urban and suburban owners also decide to get what use they can out of their charges and strap on panniers and packs, taking their pets with them on errands around town and using them to carry groceries or laundry or even their infant children. Most toddlers are encouraged to treat the pets carrying them as horses, and pull on ears or hair or use attached bridles to lead their mounts around. Some parents make this experience as horse-like as possible, using the opportunity to help their children begin learning real horseriding techniques before taking on the expense and danger of actual riding lessons.

Owners swiftly realize that the health of their charges is now not only their responsibility, but that any medical costs will be coming out of their pockets. And it is, after all, much easier to keep somebody *else* on a diet then it is to do it oneself. And anyway, the law forbids engaging in behavior that could be mistaken for that one would use with a human. So most pets are kept on a bland diet of monkey chow or dog food, or whatever vegetables and starches are cheap and which their owners decide is best. After a few weeks, let alone months of this, it gets easier and easier for infectees to be entirely sincere when begging for a doggie treat, or licking and chewing on a nice salty, meaty-tasting bone from the pet store, let alone begging for a rare and valued bite or two of human food.

The virus, which does not remove but in fact replaces the “human points” in the DNA, over time causes its victims to grow somewhat more body hair, from forehead to ankles. The victim’s balance is also somewhat impeded and their thinking gets somewhat scattered, leaving them more compliant then one would expect when they are increasingly kept on hands and knees.

Little by little, evidence emerges that, yes, in fact, the virus was engineered. Created by radical animal rights activists seeking to undermine the Supreme Court decision and later constitutional amendment, it was tailored to do precisely what it has done but also to be irreversable. This information makes the virus more treatable, but, with the virus now endemic, new cases continue to occur.

Here and there cases emerge of people who, for reasons of revenge or seeking the victim’s assets, or simply wanting the person as a pet, will infect somebody they know with a virulent strain and then step in as potential owners when the test results come back. The courts, while deploring the behavior, and subjecting criminals to harsh penalties, rule that nonetheless, the means of infection don’t change the nature of the change, and so victims of such crimes become the first to be intentionally altered to animal status. In a few cases, courts make the punishment fit the crime and the infector is themselves infected. The first time an owner has a pet “spayed”, there is widespread outrage but widespread discussion raises the points that, first of all, it is certain that no formerly human pet is part of a constitutionally acceptable “authorized breeding program”, certainly none of them are “livestock” (though a few find ways to induce lactation and then sell the milk of their female pets, leaving them exempt), while the leeway for not spaying in the constitution is thin at best and very few want yet another risk of jail time. And, after all, it’s not like any of them should ever be having sex again.

Many pets run away or simply beg to be left intact or at least just sterilized. Some owners relent. Many don’t.

A general consensus builds that the increased body hair is, all in all, a blessing, helping to reestablish a separation that had grown uncomfortably thin. Careful examination of the law shows that while *cropping* is illegal, other body modifications are not. So many owners, insisting that they only want what’s best for their pet’s ability to make peace with their new lives, have their pets’ coccyx’s extended and modified to give them little tails, or have their fingers fused together into paws, reducing the temptation to activities that would just make trouble for everybody anyway.

In Arizona and Florida, laws require that infectees used extensively outdoors be given hair implants on arms, shoulders, and back to prevent sun damage. Some owners, more open about just pursuing their own enjoyment, get their pets whiskers, or tattooing on their faces to give them cat-like or dog-like snouts. Tufted ears become fashionable as do, a few years later, ridges of fur along the torso in bright colors. Through all of this animal rights groups, at first outraged, become conflicted and, after a while, mostly in favor of the maintenance of the amendment. After all, many owners are themselves conflicted and feel guilty about keeping a city job or otherwise sacrificing the wellbeing and dignity of onetime friends or lovers to their own needs. So, like weekend parents, they give generously to animal rights groups, paying for bigger dog runs and more scholarships for veterinary training, becoming valued customers at pet stores and eventually, inevitably, creating their own divisions and competitions at animal shows. Everybody comments on how gentle care of human pets is, with the same laws imprisoning them also protecting them from just about all forms of physical abuse. Also, nobody wants to risk a return to the bad old days of cockfights, horses dying of heatstroke on city streets, and pit bulls starved and beaten for use as guard dogs.

When the American Kennel Club creates the first nationwide program for registration and resale of human pets, it’s clear that, for most animal rights activists, they have made their decision. The virus settles down and is rarely untreatable and the number of human pets stabilizes at about ten thousand in the United States with about eighty thousand more estimated around the world. Many infectees outside of England and other countries with human-animal laws never even learn of the change to their DNA and go on about their lives just as before. This, however, creates a pool of new children at risk as every day offspring are born who, should they ever end up being tested while on U.S. or allied territory, will find themselves added to the population of the disenfranchised. As a result, all but the most desperate and ignorant have themselves tested before ever setting foot on U.S. soil.

Of the ten thousand in America, about half are taken to the country where they can live unleashed and relatively free from public humiliation. Even those not in the country are mostly out of the public eye, either kept in and near their owner’s homes or in a few dozen neighborhoods in cities like San Francisco and New York which gradually accomodate this new thing is just one more in the endless succession of adaptations to city life.

So animal rights groups rationalize to themselves that after all, there are so few people being hurt, and the gain for everybody else is so large. And anyway, look at them, they don’t need to work, or pay taxes, or carry any emotional burdens worth mentioning. In fact, now and again a case emerges of somebody having themselves infected on purpose, avoiding doctors until the disease has run its course and is irreversable. And after a few years public shame decreases enough that some people buy human pets pretty much as they would another species. Human pets increasingly find themselves bought by somebody who tells them that it was close, either them, or that pretty Saint Bernard down the aisle. And those owners, mostly wealthy, having paid, in most cases, thousands or even tens of thousands of dollars for their new plaything, are more then eager to ensure that their campaign contributions go to the politicians who will not take their plaything away.

Most infections have been and continue to be of adults, for which everybody is grateful. The few preteen children infected grow up oddly unselfconcious but deeply strange, seeming in most cases, the least aware of their predicament. Those infected in their teens are usually deeply bitter, their lives taken away before they even started.

Uniformly, regardless of age, infected minors are moved out of cities to live their lives the best they can away from the worst dilemmas, with the AMPF pushing hard to minimize pain for all involved. Equally heartrending are cases of parents who get infected and whose own children grow up knowing that their parents have been stripped down to permamently humiliated and helpless dependants. These grown children of infectees are among the few who continue to lobby aggressively for the law’s repeal.

But the truth is that with the country still in tatters, riots and epidemics still common, and tasks like the relegalization of abortion still just getting started, most everybody accepts that the species designation laws will be in place for, at the least, decades to come. The vast efforts and coordination required to repeal yet another constitutional amendment are simply beyond the resources available. And with every passing year, the groups like the kennel clubs, the employees of the enlarged AMPF, and others who benefit from things as they are, become a bit more assertive and open in their opposition to repeal. Paid lobbists fund studies that find infectees to be mentally incompetent, dangerous when not supervised, unable to maintain their own health. Occasionally some supporters of the law even suggest that more genetic markers should be tested, thereby raising the standard of personhood higher and increasing the number who will be declared legally animals. The generation born around the time of the first infections mostly grows up seeing the laws as reasonable and appropriate.

In 2016 infectees who had escaped confinement early are discovered living deep in the mountains and a few have actually had children. Congress gives the Parks Department millions of dollars a year to try to find, treat, and recover any more “wild ones”, thereby ensuring the department’s own long-term opposition to repeal.

As treatment becomes more effective for cases caught early, people get less careful, inevitably leading to occassional waves of new victims, each adding to the “animalized” population by a few hundred or, rarely, a few thousand. Overall, the infected population begins to slowly grow.

Eventually a few owners do track down infectees with reversable sterilizations and start breeding programs. Infected women in the program are promised time in the country and other rewards for successfully carrying a baby to term.

And sure enough, as the years pass, subtle ways, legally viable ways, are found to allow the infected at least a small role in the decisions in their own lives. Little by little the edges of the law are determined and, while still collared and owned, human pets get back a small fraction of autonomy. Enough at least, to satisfy the guilt of most owners though, in truth, human pets are treated no more like people then people have long treated cats when allowing them to “choose” their own food. But with those tiny, symbolic shifts, most owners insist they feel no more guilt about a situation that, after all, was not of their making. One that has required them to make large sacrifices for the sake of the poor unfortunates who are, as anybody can see, quite content enough as they are now.

An article in 2024 shows that the same techniques used to involve human pets in the nature of their lives work just as well well for great apes, chimps, and some other primates, enriching the lives of those primates in ways quite similar though less radical then had been sought by the original case. In fact, ape and human reactions and improvement from these techniques are said by most owners to be indistinguishable which, as most agree, shows that infectees aren’t really human any more anyway and are best kept under a firm hand for their own good.


Ahh. Wonderful to see it up. I’m not sure if this story is more an expression of my libertarian (small l) politics or my desire to submit. I have spent many an hour wondering, if this happened, who in my life would end up owning me and what would happen?

A bit of Swift’s Modest Proposal. A bit of stroke fiction.

A friend of mine sees the whole piece as a metaphor for the dehumanizing aspects of the anti-feminism backlash. I was thinking more of the Southern rationalizations given for slavery and the corrupt practices of our modern society (such as federal agencies making money and getting power off a phenomenon malking it very hard to stop).

By the way, the science, is as accurate as I can manage with only one year of biochem under my belt and no time in a lab since the mid-eighties. As far as I can tell, oh yeah, such a “terrorist virus” is definitely possible, even (eventually) likely. As Bruce Sterling has pointed out, eventually genetic engineering equipment, older stuff, stuff being deaccessioned by universities and such, will reach the public maket, as will documentation on how to use it.

In fact all of the individual parts are, in isolation, pretty possible. It’s just the combination that’s way out there. I sure hope no such terrorist attack will ever happen to America but it only takes a few hours of reading Al Jazeera, India Times, and STRATFOR to leave me worried.

BTW, legal standards for public nudity are changing already as many a bare-breasted peace marcher could tell you. And degrees of non-consensual control are way more extreme then most of us think. Look into what happens in mental homes if you disagree.

Anyway, enough lecturing. Enjoy the story.


It is probably worth noting that there actually are groups fighting to get citizens’ rights for some apes as shown here. And, yes, they do expect to go to court and yes, there is some opposition taking a line pretty much like what’s in my story. Oo- wheee-oo!


That story chilled me right down to the bones and left me feeling very uncomfortable.

Because…with all the right factors in place…I can easily see this happening. Maybe not to this extreme…but the thought is still jarring. That was some excellent writing, and gave me a lot to think about.

I thank you.

I found the story rather titillating, and if it ever did happen I would just hope that I would be one of the lucky ones (lucky being the ones who get to remain “human” as it were).

However unlike the anonymous poster above me I really can’t see this ever happening. Yes there may well be legislation put in place that would state a certain number of genetic markers need to be present in order to be classified human, but I think this would purely be for animals who are obviously not human to begin with. If an actual human was found without these markers it is too big of a leap for any sane person to say they are no longer human, and what would be more likely is that the law would have to be altered for it to make more sense. There is more to being human than our genetics.

That said, a very interesting scenario, and a rather sexual, if downright terrifying, one at that.

Your feelings?

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