After Two Months
» Prior Relationship , » Worship & ecstasy
Alexandra and I have been together for only a couple of months. I want to pause to look at what have been the most special moments we've shared.
What do I want from the times when I become her property? The same experience many seek in drugs and religion: ecstasy. There are varieties of this ecstasy and to a small degree I can distinguish among them.
The need to surrender, to be obedient, to please her. When she takes me down I seem to fall readily into obedience. I sometimes fear I'm not consciously trying to please her enough. But it may be that I'm expecting that to feel other than it does. Often almost forget my own existence and with diminished consciousness of self I'm not going to be very aware of what I'm doing. (I think the smart assed masochism is gone. If not I hope she purges me of it.)
I've certainly come to know the kind of pain that makes you cringe and whimper. One day I hope to experience it in a way that prompts a flood of endorphins. I remember reading in a text on whipping an owner writing of how he took his slave to sobs, then endorphins and when the slave was released they fell tenderly and loving into each others arms. I envy that.
Degradation, humiliation: testicle leashing and licking nasty mud from her boots have given me unusual, confounding emotions. I can't even verbalize them but am more grateful for what she did to me than she can really know.
Worship: when she becomes my Goddess literally. The night when collared, leashed and naked she took me out to the back porch surrender, servility, mortification were so overwhelming that I've never felt more bottomless self-annihilating worship.
No matter what the future brings for us I'll forever be indebted to Alexandra for these experiences.
Comments
The experience you describe (but have never experienced)can also be achieved through extreme mental and emotional manipulation. As someone who considers himself a mental masochist, there have been times I have experienced that feeling of spinning and/or floating you speak of; it comes with the (probably unconscious) realization that you have lost all power and personal autonomy. Psychological and emotional bondage is edge play, for sure, but the gratification, the high, is almost beyond description. It’s a trapped animal feeling, but once in that state, there is just an overwhelming urge to submit and surrender completely and totally to one’s tormentor.
Posted by: boyf_for_use | April 19, 2005 1:33 PM
Actually it was breaking down from physical pain that Ive yet to experience.
That has happened but not with edgy emotional play. Shes hit some of my triggers and took me so deeply that for a time she was a Goddess to me.
Risky play, like sleep deprivation or prolonged bondage is something Im sure well explore. But we have more experience to gain before we try those things.
Many thanks for the comment.
Posted by: Richard | April 19, 2005 1:59 PM