Expanding the envelope . . . ?

» Cravings » Prior Relationship » Rules & Rituals » Worship & ecstasy

Thanks for the kind wishes.

I’ve gotten a bit lost. My inner BDSM map has become blurred and hard to read.

A couple of times recently Alexandra has asked me if I’d like to do some pure S&M. I never really replied.

I was afraid it might not work out right: even masochists can have performance anxiety.

Could I process the pain properly I wondered. Did I need masochism of the heart: humiliation, degradation as much - more than? - physical pain?

I’ve never been good at conveying confusion. Perhaps vanity: hating to confess a loss of clarity. Ambiguity is inherently hard to convey.

There is (if only in my mind) an incarnation of Alexandra I call Lady Discipline.

Lady Discipline

That Eric Stanton had a happy marriage enhances his drawings of demanding, controlling women.

Lady Discipline is stringent and pitiless. No failing or hesitancy is tolerated. Control is total. I fear I got too caught up in this image. Recent events left me wanting freedom from self-control, to feel helplessly in awe of her. Alexandra says rightly, that I should tell her what I feel I need. The catch with some things is you don’t want a command performance but for it to spring from her own desires.

Honestly the desire sometimes scares me.

Nor do I want to give the impression that I don’t enjoy our lighter play. The night she made me her pet I’ll forever be grateful for. Not to mention the solace is simply licking her boots.

A virtual anvil was dropped on my mind and it takes time for the effect to wear off.

There are a couple of things we’ve talked about trying. Every time I’ve wanted to explore the ideas with her more something has always come up. So I’ll explore my own feelings here.

A Day I Can’t Say No

Lady Whip

A gratutitous image by Gregor. The sequence featuring these two is the only work of his I’ve seen. I’ve always enjoyed her haughtiness and his helplessnes.

You might think it is always that way. There’ve been too many complications and distractions. Those are largely gone now.

She’d take and relinquish control whenever she wished. Moving in and out of D/s for however many times and for as long as fit her mood. Most of the day might spent as a conventional loving couple. It would vary with her mood.

I’d probably have trouble regulating my expectations at first. The only sane ones to have would be none. This might be the cure for some of our misfires which are often caused by uncertainty about the other’s mood and needs.

With luck many of our days might be spent this way.

A Day of 24/7

More like 12/1 or 18/1. A very, very long session or scene.

An entire day when I’d, as it were, be collared and cuffed. Pet (affectionate), slave (unconditional) as she saw fit. Bound by protocols, living on my knees.

This would be a pretty strenuous experience for both of us, requiring remaining in certain emotional states for many hours.

My own fantasies leave my visualization of this murky.

Lady Punishment

Bless Steffi’s memory. Sometimes it is as if my own fantasies were being transcribed.

Unsurprisingly during the years before I met Alexandra my dreams of 24/7 were taxing. Ranging from being allowed to eat only from a bowl to continuously being subjected to the most capricious and arduous demands.

Sometimes having had such a lively if happily vicious BDSM dream life is hindrance.

How I’d respond it real life I can’t guess. Given my orientation I’m foolishly more fearful of the experience being too light. The more realistic part of my brain wonders how the mood and action would be sustained.

In fantasyland when my owner tired of me I’d be put in a cage or barn. In real life Alexandra could just tell me to go lie down. Rest periods that don’t break the flow would be a must.

Uncompromisng attitude adjustment was a key element of my thoughts about 24/7. The desire to be trained in unhesitating obedience was more than just wanting my masochistic jollies.

What do I want from such an experience? Ecstasy: to find myself worshipping her where Goddess seems like more than an honorific. She could find this hugely draining.

Some folks have tried this with great success. Others walk away vowing never again.

I have no idea if we’ll try this.

(This reminds me of a blog I was reading a few months ago. A couple was going to try five days of D/s beginning with an eighteen-hour scene. I lost the link and don’t know how it turned out.)

Well, I’m back. Just as muddled as ever.

If you’ve never left a comment, now would be a good time to say hello.

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Comments

Oh, Richard. i wonder how many of us you speak for in your fantasies. Just say Yes to whatever Alexandra asks and hang on for the ride until She says you’re done. If you don’t want to, there are many out here who would gladly take your place. “Pure S/M”? The line forms behind me. i know you have suffered a loss and are trying to bounce back. Trust Alexandra to help lead you out of the dull pain to the pure kind that She offers. Good luck and keep writing! pleaseletme

Hey, Richard, as stated above, you manage to put into words the thoughts and desires, worries, and fears, plans, triumphs, and tragediesof so many of us. Thanks.

As an aside, did you know there is a text story to accompany the Gregor series of drawings?

tamehorse,

Thanks for the kind words.

Has the Gregor story been translated into English?

pleaseletme.

Alexandra isn’t just my Domme. She’s my lover, friend, confident and partner.

Mixing romantic love and D/s can be tricky.

But I’m sure we’ll get everything working right. We’re smart and caring.

Hopefully we can spend the next few weeks focusing on all aspects of our life together including making the D/s as beautiful as it can be.

A life outside our comfort zone is always uncomfortable.This is total mental,emotional,and physical surrender in ways we don’t particularly like.Make a list or write a script and put it in an envelope,then find someone to do to you exactly what you wrote.This is how I first submitted so I could live out MY fantasy.It was fun and worked well for a while.Longer term it required me to truely submit to another persons will, another list or script,but not mine.This was because I can’t expect someone to expend the energy it would take to be the 24/7 Mistress from hell(or try not to be).This was where the real adventure began for me.I discovered the absolute focus on another, emotions like a love struck school boy,and a NEED for”DOWN ON YOUR KNEES”worship.This is where I found true submission and a total satisfaction without draining the energy of the person I love the most.Please remember this is simply what works well for us.Go for what you want Alexandra,and enjoy the inner struggle of Richard as he tries to catch up and catch his breath.Mistress gives me more then I want in so many ways.I ALWAYS find it is what I truely desired.

Yes, Richard, it has. I have part of it somewhere, on paper. I have to look for it

argh!! i forgot i posted to this thread regarding the Gregor story. i haven’t dug up the text story part that i have but will do so. On another note, there is a long series of illustrations accompanying the story - not just the one you apparently have. If you don’t have the full set, and would like it, you know how to contact me.

Richard, you speak for many of us, and we thank you.

Elsewhere I wrote of compartmentalizing D/s and “real life” so that you can play the D/s “game” to the hilt, but still function in the vanilla world outside the dungeon. It’s the only way, perhaps, to preserve your sanity, and if we could all do it, half the psychiatrists in the country (world?) would be out of business!

Your feelings?

Please share your feelings about Expanding the envelope . . . ?. Please stick to the topic of the entry. Forthright disagreement is fine as long as it is civil.
My thanks,
Richard


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