Happily Needy
» Worship & ecstasy
I was lying in bed thinking of Alexandra when I realized I was whispering, “I love you” over and over again.
I’m horny as Hell. It almost hurts.
For once I don’t want to wank it into oblivion. It is the hunger to surrender. While it makes me restless it is also blissful. A mix almost as oxymoronic as the way I sometimes process pain. It is also energizing (possibly this is akin to what some men get from chastity).
The sense of need is reassuring. The slavish part of me gets a boost in self-esteem feeling an honest need to give myself and only ask that she accept. (Judging even one’s own sincerity isn’t always easy.) With her distant this is one of the few ways I can clearly feel some of the happiness of worshipping her.
When that idolatrous desire first became clear to me I was half-afraid I might be mad. But I came to understand it and know that it isn’t madness.
And I suddenly recall one night many months ago falling asleep by myself whispering “I worship you.”
Comments
Like I said last night I consider this one of the greatest gifts you can give. I could try and force it out of you but this kind of thing, to my mind, shouldn’t be forced.
You’ve taken a huge step and I know this isn’t easy. It’s wonderful to know that through all the twists and turns you trust me enough to do this.
As far as your penis goes, I think the shift in emphasis from it’s own desires onto me is such a welcome and pleasant suprise. And in a way it seems you are gaining control of yourself.
I don’t want to deny you your fantasies, nor do I want to control your sexual pleasure 24/7. But I would like to be kept informed from now on :)
Another thing - don’t be worried about taking steps backwards at any time. And don’t be afraid to point out anything I do that troubles you. In a way, the more you surrender in any way, the more important these things become.
Posted by: Alexandra | February 3, 2006 2:17 PM
I’ve always appreciated you being so accepting of my fantasizing. Any partner might object.
And in giving them free reign I’ve lessened their hold on me. Let me appreciate clearly what I am lucky enough to have found with you.
Right now the simple image of kneeling before you with my head bowed is more exciting than the old crazy stuff.
That I can trust you and talk to you goes without saying.
I wish I could invent some new words to express how I feel.
Posted by: Richard | February 3, 2006 2:53 PM