Hunger, Need?

Alexandra has been gone for only a week. I find what fantasies I have moving in a consistent direction.

I find myself returning to the image of myself bound in such a way that my face is held near the floor. Maybe in a cage or a stock or through some trick of leashes and ropes.

Since this would really be very demanding and exhausting normally I think of this only in terms of real, behavior modifying punishment. Not something done as casual play.

Though something done in wrath with intent to prevent a repetition of unwanted behavior and something done because she can and I can't say no aren't the same even if they are the same acts. Both evoke feelings that are hard to describe.

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Punishment is punishment. It creates a very real hunger to not displease, to offer acceptable obedience. Her anger has more power over me than I think she can know.

Being reduced, dehumanized dissolves my will and personality. It pushes me deep into the worship state where she becomes everything. As I become nothing I approach an ecstasy that I don't know how to elucidate. It is something like the D/s equivalent of romantic love. It is cruel and taxing.

I can't say that I want to know it in either mode. But being what I am I suspect that the more she takes from me the more she gives me. The mind moves to a place where there don't seem to be adequate symbols or words.

Total surrender of self is something I need should she be willing to accept it.