Still Striving to Learn How to Beg
» Worship & ecstasy
Begging can be a potent part of BDSM play. Begging for permission, particularly permission to do something that you’d rather avoid. Begging for mercy, an experience I longingly anticipate (with, sure, a little worry). Begging to be allowed to become her slave.
When Alexandra asked me how I felt about begging I really should’ve asked her for the context. I couldn’t really be sure of her meaning. But I assumed it was begging for her to take and control me.
An Eric Stanton drawing that has always moved me greatly.
Several months ago I stated that I’d learn to beg - ask - to serve when the need came over me. And I failed.
It isn’t pride. My self-esteem isn’t overweening. I have a hang-up about seeming demanding.
And I’m a little afraid of being hurt if she says know. It isn’t the actual rejection. Besides Alexandra would shower me with reassuring affection so I’d know it was her mood, not me failing her.
That fear of being hurt is really an expression of a quality of mine that can be as much of a vice as a virtue. Worrying too much about consequences - in this case fear that a “No” would make me inhibited in the future.
An inhibition about becoming inhibited if you will. Losing this inhibition will be healthy. In and of itself. And because - of course - my begging would be empowering her: admitting my need for something only she can give me.
And I think I need to do it now more than ever before.
I’ve written how my fantasy life since she’s been away has been almost exclusively of deepest submission, discipline, training, objectification. That my slavish self has outstripped the masochist.
That still surprises me because I still tend to think of my appetite for physical pain being my strongest BDSM personality component. Maybe at the most fundamental level it is. (And I miss my lurid, painful fantasies.) But this involuntary hunger for fathomless self-abasement points to what I should focus on.
When I picture myself dropping to my knees and begging her to be my owner I feel as if I’m lost in a might storm. I’m touched at the core.
I need to work more to shed this inhibition. I’m cheating myself. I’m cheating her. What could be more giving than pleading to be taken and controlled?
This may be a special problem for those of us in our kind of mixed relationship: the desire for real surrender when possible blended with equality the rest of the time.
So when she’s back, rested and comfortable I’m going to finally bow and beg.
Wish me luck.
Technorati tag: 2006resolutions.
Comments
Bless you, dear.
How very odd that you should write about this today. I was going over your previous entry on begging just yesterday, as I was trying to explain how to my new pet.
There is surprisingly little out there (that I’ve been able to find) both on how and why one might beg in a D/s relationship.
Good luck, dear.
Posted by: R | December 29, 2005 1:29 AM
Since reading your comment I’ve been rummaging around in my memory and can’t remember ever seeing the topic written about. Aspirant talking about being forced to beg to be allowed to perform an act that he really didn’t want to do – drink a mug of her urine – is the only thing that comes to mind.
I tried some digging and the only articles I could find are available only to paid alt.com members. So I dug around in some old newsgroup entries – all about five or six years old – and put together an entry quoting the best parts. Maybe you’ll find some of it interesting (I’m hoping Alexandra will as well.)
Posted by: Richard | December 29, 2005 10:32 AM
The thing about begging that gets me wet is the risk of it. What if I said no? That is the sub’s risk and acceptance of place, and what really rings my bell. The total trust and willingness to pass over control, even when desprate for something.
Pet might say otherwise—he is not fond of begging at ALL. I have started requiring him to ask me for things (may I suck your toes, for example). Even that really chaps his hide on some days. He says it pulls him out of sub space, and your comment about being inhibited in the future may just shed light on the reason why. Not so much being denied then, but being afraid/unwilling to ask again later. Interesting. Thanks!
Posted by: Her | December 30, 2005 8:00 PM
Shedding inhibitions, fear of being unnatural is a tough one.
But the assurance from the Domme that it is empowering, enabling is probably what we need to reach past that.
Posted by: Richard | December 30, 2005 8:07 PM
Yeah, sometimes I think it might be fun to take on a boy for “sub only” purposes. Just to do that stuff without the love and hard times of a day to day lifelong relationship.
On the other hand, the intensity diminishes as the intimacy does, in my opinion of course. I think, in our case, love enhances the entire experience as much as it diminishes it.
Also—you guys have such a hardship as it is, being so far apart. You are true strength, both of you, to maintain both romantic love and a D/s connection with the ocean as a hurdle.
Posted by: Her | December 30, 2005 8:11 PM
Oh, I have evenings when I wish I had a sadist, dominant only. But I do know that is childish. I have more with Alexandra than I even had in fantasy life.
But those damned fantasies tear at you some nights. You know they are silly, you know they are foolish.
You get past them. But when the dig into your brain you feel pain and confusion.
But I don’t bring either to the rest of my life.
Thanks for understanding.
Posted by: Richard | December 30, 2005 8:16 PM